a drawing for me...

Do you guys remembers Shortie from one of my past post. After that event, we tried to be friends, but he couldn't handle it at the time. We are cool now, but don't speak much. During that time he drew a picture of me that really warmed my heart. He just wanted to thank me for taking care of him during his dramatic experience. Just wanted to share it with you guys...

a video for me...

A blogger friend of mine and fellow Dreamer did a response video to my BED Youtube video. You have to check it out, he is so sexy! Not only that he is a great poet and working on trying to quit smoking through his video blogs. Hey, he has to keep that body tight!

Thanks hasbey1 for the video, now I have to out do you, lol.

The "pro/con" method

The interesting and most amazing thing about the human experience is our our ability to "choose." It is our GOD-LIKE ability to create, change, & sustain who we are in relation to the world around us. Many people think that the ability to choose is as easy as picking good vs evil, or right vs wrong... but if only we lived in a black and white society. There is plenty of grey, and choosing what is best for us is constant on our minds, if we want to think about it or not.

"Call this the secret of life if you will. The ability to choose is all based off data, feelings, intuition, experience and projection."

For the most part, we all do it pretty well, but it takes a lot of practice, and then again there are those that need to work on it just a little bit longer. One of the best ways I come up with a simple answer to complex situations is the "pro/con" method.

Take out a piece of paper and pen.

Draw a line straight down the center.

At the top of the right column you write PRO

At the top of the left column you write CON

Then list everything that serves you and doesn't serve you.

Weigh out the list, and come up with your answer.

Simple right? I mean didn't we do it for most of the major things in our lives? When we went to college, finding that right job, choosing furniture for your apartment, making a major financial decision?

Now think about it?

If all those decisions are important, shouldn't we use the same method for finding the right man and getting into a relationship? I remember a couple of years ago. I had to make a decision to pick a man I was in a relationship with for 2 years vs a man I just met a month ago. You have a love that is shaky vs potential love. I am all about making things work, but I am also about being with somebody that appreciates me. So there I was with Omar, making my list. Well this one is really good in bed. Yet this one is really creative. Both of them are pretty intelligent, but this one has a really good job. Yet, I love to see his smile. These are all deciding factors in being in a long lasting relationship. In the end, I went with my gut feeling, and I think that is important as well.

So try this on for size.

You just met somebody, and you think they are pretty fly. Yah been kicking it for awhile. After a month, weigh out the pros & cons, see if this is really going to last for a long time. Why a month? When you rush into relationships you don't have all the data and your only getting into something based off of feelings. We all know how the love jones works, and its a muthafucker! At least by doing this method, you can be logical and still have your feelings be a deciding factor. Once you see it on paper, and you see that long list piling up, then you know if it is right or wrong for you.

Your never going to be near a piece of paper all the time, but you can always do it in your head. Do a re-evaluation of your relationship now. People change ALL the time... and I mean that ALL THE TIME, so that should be a deciding factor as well. Also look into what they have done in the past, and what there possibility for a future is as well. Also remember it is all about the EXPERIENCE to. 

"Dating can be so much fun or living hell on three legs, and you never know what guy your going to get once that fine azz dude opens his mouth. "

I always compared Dating to this:

"You have go through a lot of weeds before you can find a rose."

Dating the weeds is part of the process. The crazy lunatics do serve a purpose, they tell you who NOT to date again! So you have to find the joy in the process, and I know its hard because Thanksgiving just passed, and Christmas is coming. Everyone wants to be shacked up, and that's OK. It is human nature. Choosing the right person to share our lives with is one of the biggest decisions you will ever make, so you have to take seriously. And also if you found that person:

"Never choose someone you like over someone you love, because the person you like will choose the one they love."

Pros & Cons People, get into it!

{All photos were taken from my Sidekick3 which I bought using the "pro/con" method.}

We Are A Family

balancing act / full circle

{Shawn & The Dream Team at Derrick L. Briggs Book Club event: Night with Jonathon Plummer}

As I stood by the Bar, I watched as my friends mixed and mingled, talking amongst each other. Seemed like everyone has having a good time. It was very intimate at the Chocolate Bar. Small tables. Lite candles. The spotlight was on the stage, as we waited for Jonathan Plummer to arrive. I looked at Tyson as he walked around helping out his new beau with his event. Never would I have thought that one of my friends would be dating Mr. Briggs. I'm happy for him, actually at the moment, I was feeling a sense of envy. As I look at them, giving small kisses or hugs from time to time...

I missed having a boyfriend.


{Me Trent Jackson & Jay first meeting at the event at the Chocolate Bar in NYC}

As I was talking to Tyson at the bar, I get a text message on my sidekick.

"Look at that sexy dude at the bar?"

I don't care about no damn dude right now! I look back and hardly see anyone attractive behind me. I replied, "I don't see anyone?" with an annoyed tone.

"That's because it's you."

Ok, I felt stupid, but smiled. I look over to the guy sitting at the table as the flame from the candle flickers on his soft brown face. Damn he looks so good! I text him back and tell him I feel lonely and in need of a little romance. He then texts me and asks me to sit down next to him. I look to Tyson and say, "he's flirting with me!"

"Well then flirt back!" Tyson yells!

Ok, ok, let me go over there. Why was I nervous? I have no reason to be, I mean I wanted this right? So I sit down next to him, and smile.

Then he says in a very deep voice, "What's going on sexy?"

Compliments always get me going. He asks me what I was doing here. Told him I was here with friends. I see we was playing this kind of game... He smiles and says I have beautiful eyes. I smile back. We continue to talk and exchange compliments & pleasantries. As he was talking, I look down to his lips. I remember kissing lips like his, but no need to get down about it now. This is a whole new experience. I wanted to taste it so bad. I think he had the same thing on his mind. We lean in slowly. He wanted it just as bad as I did. Then our lips touch, in such a caress that my entire body felt like it was floating. We kissed deeper, back and forth, the flow was very much like a BALANCING ACT, but we weren't playing. We was getting in. Everyone in the club stood still as I engulfed in that moment.


{Omar Ramone, Me, Trent Jackson, & Divo at the Full Circle Book Release Event in NYC}

As I pulled back, I looked into his eyes, and we both smiled. He felt it to. He went to go get us some cheesecake as we fed it to each other. He licked it off his lips, wishing that I had done the same. Later on that night, Jonathan Plummer finally showed, and it was starting to become a wonderful evening. Derrick L. Briggs really knows how to create an event that would touch other peoples lives, and I'm glad he did that tonight. As everything was wrapping up, I left my sexy guy at the table to meet and greet other people. I finally saw Trent Jackson, who is a fellow blogger and friend. He was up in NYC to release his new book, which I went to in support. Not only does he help me, but the community as well. I got to meet some other cool people, exchanging hugs and just enjoying the atmosphere. As I was walking around a photographer wanted to take a picture with me and and the sexy guy at the table...

Why was I nervous?

We wasn't really together?

Should I even do it?

What would people say?

How would I feel?

Then at that moment, it all came FULL CIRCLE for me.
I will not be ashamed of my feelings OR my actions.
The camera flashed...





















... and captured one of my favorite pictures of us to date.

Good Guy

After reading Jay's post called "Good Guy", I was inspired to write my own version:

"For years now I have claimed to be a good guy, the perfect mate, a good catch, however, I have been questioning my statues."

I have put on this persona that I am a "Good Guy" yet I too don't think I truly am. I am proud to say that I have been in three long lasting relationships since I was 23. Each one I instilled in me what Jay says are the best qualities of a good man: Attentiveness, Compassion and Giving. And I add, trustworthy, loving, and spiritual. I have been very dedicated & committed to my boyfriends and always made sure that they felt secure and trusted with me.

Yet when I'm SINGLE,
then the "Good Guy" goes out the window!
It feels like this other side of me really wrestles back and forth in my head. It's like one shoulder there is the Angel and on the other side is the Devil. Or even better...

Beyonce VS Sasha! It's like I have a Sexually Enticing Twin!

Over the years this is the pattern I have seen when I am single:

• I thrive off the attention of others
mostly in a sexual manner.

• I look for people to quench my sexual thirst,
only to leave them dry.

• I flirt with men, even though
I know they have boyfriends.

• I would dance with a guy and feel him up,
and never give them my number.

• I call the chat line, act like I'm a thug,
just so they can get off.

• I webcam and get people aroused,
only to cut it off during climax.

• I would flirt with an ugly guy,
only to ignore there phone calls later.

• I would invite guys to come over,
only to never give them my address.

• I act like I am a bottom,
only to tell them I'm still a virgin.

Then I realized that I am a REAL BIG TEASE! I was never one to go down the "whorish avenue" even though I have tried. I would think of inviting them over, then get nervous, knowing they its just a one night stand. I don't like the whole "hook up" feeling. If it happens, it happens, but planning it just seems so out of my character.

I was never one to play the field. I can't date two or three people at the same time. I would start forgetting stuff we talked about, even start calling them the other person's name! I can't divide my time enough for everybody, and it feels more like a job then trying to get to know somebody.

As much as I think about joining in a threesomes, orgies, and sex parties, I feel like I would have performance issues because there are just way to many people watching me, and it would all seem like I'm "acting." So I mean I'm not really a "whore" but this is the issue that bothers me.

What Jay stated was:

"Even in my whorish state I refuse to lead people on. I give them the information needed to make their own informed choice. I play by my rules and let those people know how it is, if its just sex its just sex, if its more than its more. If I'm talking to more than one person, I let it be known."

Even though I'm not hurting anyone, being a tease LEADS PEOPLE ON. I don't want to be that way. I think 90% of the time, I'm not doing it on purpose. I think I just do it because I know what it means to get close with someone and get attached through sexual means, so I stop in a very selfish manner.

Here is an example. With Shortie in my last post, he told me upfront "Once you cross that line with me, your mine." And I bypassed what he told me, and was still intimate with him. Then I asked him to be friends, and he couldn't handle it. He started going on crazy, telling him I lead him on, and it sucks because technically I did.

"Your just like the other niggas."

I don't want to be like them. I want to be the GOOD GUY, but sometimes, I'm not. Then there was this guy that was really interesting to me. He was tall, light skin, very sexy... he was attracted to me, and he found me on myspace. We went out on a date, and it felt good. He was a great distraction away from being upset about the breakup. When I went to his house, we talked, we kissed, and he said to me.

"I'm trying to be GOOD GUY wth you."

"What you want to fuck me?", I said.

He smiles and says, "Yeah!"

"Well I'm kinda a virgin in that department..."

He laughs at me, and his dick goes down. Talk about seeing your ego shattered! Then I asked him to, suck my dick, and he tells me NO.

NO?

NO?!

WHO DOESN'T WANT TO SUCK MY DICK!

He didn't want to suck it, touch it, or even look at it! Then I was thinking, well maybe he is a total top. So I asked my friend, who had messed around with him months ago, and that wasn't the case at all! I got played... ok maybe KARMA played me.

So now, I'm laying low, trying to figure out why all this sexual energy exist in me. I'm glad I wrote this down because it has been bothering me ever since the breakup. I am all about LOVE and having INTIMATE connections with people that LOVE me and only me. Everything else is just sexual craziness that just passes the time, but I don't want someone to get hurt because of that.

Maybe being a GOOD GUY isn't so BAD.

friends with my ex

I have been talking to my ex lately.

Not Fuzz. But David.

David is the guy that I talked about mostly on my [adult swim] blog. He is doing really well with his career. He is now a major graphic designer at one of the top companies that makes fashion shoes. I am very proud of him. After my breakup, you feel like you want someone familiar to talk to. Somebody that really knew you inside and out.

I called him upthinking I was going to get some kind of
"there, there its going to be ok"

and what I got was "Hmmm, that sounds familiar!"

Talk about shade! lol. Is he pushing karma in my face? Well I never! I broke up with him pretty dirty, and I do feel bad about it. But in my defense, he treated me dirty to, that's why I left. In he past. Anyway... I was just happy that he wasn't still mad at me and holding a grudge. We talked about the guys that he met after me, and all the sexual adventures he had, and how mature he has grown. He is now in a committed relatonship with his boyfriend, and they are coming up on a year. He seems like a nice guy, but my ego tells me he will never love him like I did.

Ego, stop it!

Over the weeks I have been asking him advise on things on what I should do with things that was going on in my life. He has really been a friend to me. I always missed that about him. Now that I think about it, David and Daniel (Fuzz) are very similiar:

1) They are both silly. Goofy even!
2) They both have strong opinons, and will let you know strongly about them!
3) They both think they know me so well, and like calling me out on it!

"He told me once, to be careful, and let people go through there growth.
I don't want somebody to do to you, what I did to you."

That was really good to hear. I always say this. You can love people, but you can't always be in a relationship with them. I do still love David, I mean he was my first, and my longest relationship, so it is expected. And I love him because I want to see him happy in his relationship. Maybe one day, I don't know, we will hang out as friends.

What do you guys think?
Can someone still be friends with there ex?
How soon is to soon?
Or should exes just stay in the past?

i don't want to be popular, but yet I do?

I orginally wrote this post December 21, 2006, and kept it as draft. This weekend, I got to meet my great friend, and blogger Trent Jackson here in New York City. I met old and new bloggers, and even a couple of people that recognized me from my blog. All seemed very celebrity-ish indeed! My friends rag on me all that time about my so called popularity, but I really try not to pay it no mind. After this weekend, this post seemed even more fitting then the year before...




So I'm here at work, thinking to myself:

How I can make my blog stand out above the rest?
Which part of my creativity will I express today?
What part of my dream will I want to tackle now?
How can I get more people to read my blog?
How can I be the "Hottest Black Gay Blogger?"

Then I stopped. When did I start caring about blog popularity?

But just think about it. You have bloggers throwing parties, book clubs, having radio shows, selling books, being socialites, partaking in interviews, and even winning awards! If that isn't a Celebrity, what is? Is blogging a way for us to become our in own way, a celebrity?

Let's go back in time, way back in time, to around three years ago. I was talking to Larry D. and he was expressing to me this new thing called blogging. It was a fairly new way to communicate your thoughts and feelings more candid, and people could read and respond if they wished. Now I was no stranger to people knowing me online. I was quite popular on blackplanet.com (due to my semi-erotic photgraphy) and have created numerous websites and fansites on myself and other artist. So in short: I like attention. Nothing wrong with that.

But this blogging thing... I was an interesting way to communicate who I was as a person, and not just from a single profile entry with some sexy pictures to go with it.

This was the real me.



So I started a blog called [adult swim]. I was in the transition of me moving out my mother's house, and I felt like I was a big kid trying to become an adult. Life to me felt like one big ocean. You either swim or drown. I doggie-paddled. Actually starting my blog made my transition easier. People would read my blog, give me advise and share in my experience.

It was a simple blog, with simple comments... mostly from females. I didn't mind, I would be happy to get one comment! When I decided to "out" myslf on my blog, it didn't really pick up on readership. This didn't start until I wrote a poem called, how ironic, Celebrity.



I remember Trent Jackson said:
"I am so in love with you. And yes it's because you and I both are celebrities. You are so fuckin hot. I am going to masturbate to your sexy ass tonight with my mandingo, industrial strength, swivel head, multi-orgasmic, stroke me down baby 3500 model dildo that bloger 31905 sent me last week. It couldn't have come a better time."

Oh Trent! [place blushy emotican here] LOL!



Then my blog grew, and as more people came, the more creative I started to become. I wanted to upgrade in my writing, my topic selections and talk more about my personal life. How amazing for people to really care about what goes on in my life? This baffled my mind! It was then after that Trent, who is a great friend of mine, interviewd me on his blog. Then I started to find out about other "Black Gay Bloggers." There was No4Real & Frank Leon Roberts, and a host of others that I never new exisisted, and they were just as creativity and open about there lives as I was. (Not to mention quite good looking)



I remember No4Real was telling on the phone about this "Book Club" he goes to. I so wanted to go! It wasn't until months later that I found out about Derrick L. Briggs Book Club, and get this, all the bloggers I admired were there! All these people were real! So now blogging turned into New York Events & Parties, and I would get people coming up to me talking about how much they loved my blog, and I became... popular.



Towards the end of [adult swim] I was getting like 30 comments and 1,000 people a day coming to my blog. I was working on trying to get a nomination for the Blogger Awards. Doing a huge promotion on myspace & other venues... and I lost. The blog ended the day after.

Honestly, I let the fame get to my head, and I had a moment. This is "only" a blog. In the real world, ain't nobody give two shits about me. What am I really blogging for? For me... or for them? I have to think about that everytime I start a new post. What are you blogging for? So I threw away all the popularity... and started a new blog. I wanted to go within... and blog about my hearts desires. That's when I came up with a dream to start this blog: Dreams in a Fitted.

And here I am.



How I can make my blog stand out above the rest?
Which part of my creativity will I express today?
What part of my dream will I want to tackle now?
How can I get more people to read ... wait a minute?

I'm not going to "try" and stand out, I'm just going to be "me." If I stand out, so be it. But I'm not going to chase this "fame" like I'm going to take this to the grave. But I will say this. I don't want the "fame," but I do want to be heard. I want people to understand who I am, and what I am about. I want people to see my talents. I want people to read my story, so that it may help someone else out. I want people to give sincere comments. I want to continue being friends with all the "Black Gay Bloggers" and help uplift our community to reach new heights.

I don't want to be popular, but yet I do. So with that thought, I'm gong to change up my blog for the new year. I want to be as raw and candid as I can, and if no one comments, fine. At least I did it for me.

sex 102

So I am training myself to be a better sexual lover. I think that when your in a relationship for a long time, sometimes you just get comfortable. So I am taking the time to PERSONALLY & PRIVATELY get to know my body better. I wanted to get some tips and advice from you guys?

• What do you know about pubococcygeal muscle?
• Have you tried any Kegal Exercises?
• Know any special techniques in Autoeroticism?
• Anyone read and interesting insights from the Kama Sutra?
• Is it possible to engage the prostate with a phallic device?
• Best way to receive during sexual penetration the first time?