10 years later...

Life spiraled out of control for the blogger ShawnQt! After love was lost, he couldn't deal with the pain, so he became an alcoholic and a chain smoker. His best friend, Omar, stole their super heroic idea and made millions with a 3 book deal. He lost the lawsuit after his friend Jay totalled his car, making him late for his court date. It seems like all was lost. He called his friend Tyson after seeing him and his husband on Oprah, but phone calls were never returned.

He decided to get back on his feet and write a tell all movie about his life. He presented his script to his old friend, Blaq, who was now the President of Shady Entertainment. Yet, after years of promises, there was never a green light on production. Shawn was devastated.

Jersey Brotha took him in and gave him a job at a local gay club, where he dressed in Drag and called himself, "Chi Chi La Boom." He called Ty, who headed a Fashion Line in Milan to send him some of his finest designer dresses. Even his good friends TrackStar and X joined him as back-up dancers on stage. He called his act, "Fuzzy Dice, Tattoos & Curse Words: Memories of a Broken Heart." He was an overnight success, until the Dapper Reverend D used his biblical propaganda and swore to stop Shawn's homosexual agenda. Chi Chi La Boom was no more... and he never received love again.

You can read about him in Larry D. Lyons third book.

PULL YOUR PANTS UP

AS A GAY MAN, HOW DO U FEEL ABOUT THIS?

beyond personas

"For 3 Months I have been trying to hit you up, and you just been iggin me."

That is what he said when he first sent me a message online. My obvious thought was, of course I have been "iggin" you, I was in a relationship. I'm not anymore. I can either sit in my house and cry about the situation, or I can go out, and meet new company.

This guy is very attractive. He's light skin, same height as me. He is a Junior in college, majoring in communications. He is into fashion & art. He has done some modeling, did some print ads for big companies. He is an Actor who has been on a couple of major tv shows. Not bad at such a young age. Not mention he hear he has a nice azz & dick to match. I have only known him for two days, but whatever...

He was really feeling me. Always complimenting me. Asking me when we were going to see each other. Telling me how much he has waited to finally talk to me. I admit, it was a bit much, but I did like the attention. Something that was always on my mind was how people view me.

There is my persona, "ShawnQt", the Sexually Adventurous, Attention Getting, Animated version of myself. He is confident, creative & intelligent! Then there is just me. Shawn. The Shawn that everyone sees when the Superman Outfit is put away, the Fitted is taken off, and I'm just cool & laid back. What if I couldn't live up to the hype? What if he met me and thinks I am not what I seem to be?

Every Friday, we go over Tyson's Hotel (Dorm) since he has RA Duty. We all chill, hang out, drink, play games, watch movies, and do whatever. Since I didn't want to feel lonely, I decided to invite him over. So my boy X drives me to the train station to pick him up. I was nervous. Was I looking ok? Did I smell good? Was my walk and my swagger on point? Then I was like thinking. He was a pretty boy, what if he is feminine? Could I handle it?

I seen him standing out front, looking fly! He had on a hoodie with a jacket, cute hat tilted to the side, silver chains hanging around his neck, nice fitted jeans with some fresh timbs. He was on point... and he was just a regular chill dude. I liked. We got in the car and headed to the hotel.

We made small talk in the car as we headed to McDonald's to pick up something to eat. "Did you want something to eat," I asked, and he only wanted a soda. Stated he ate before he left. Ok cool, so as we are driving I was telling him about my "drunken night" two weeks ago. He called me a light weight, and told me that liquor didn't really effect him to much. Lucky him...

As we enter the hotel, he sits in the chair, and I sat on the edge of it. He puts his arm on my leg, and really starting feeling a vibe for him. I was cool. Tyson asked me what I was drinking. Cranberry Juice of course. Yeah he didn't see that, and gave me a real drink. I wasn't really up to drinking, but I drank it anyway. I knew my limits, and I wasn't going to be a raging drunk in front of my guest.

So we are all chillin, playing uno, listening to music, talking, drinking... and I decided to go pee. As I enter the bathroom, Shortie comes in behind me as I was just about to pull my pants up. We start making out right then and there. I picked him up and put him up against the wall, then moved to the sink, all the while he was pulling my pants down... it got a little hot, and I told him to save it for later.

We come out the bathroom, quite guilty, belts loose, and tried to get back to normal as we sat on the bed. But the passion he had for me was not quenched as he got back on top of me. As we kissed I could taste the liquor on his breath... something I was never to fond of, but because I had something to drink as well, I didn't mind it. Shortie was taken the drinks like a champ, gulping them down like it was nothing. Then as we kissed, he said this...

"I don't share"

What does that mean?

"What ever I want, I get!"

Ummm ok?

"Once you cross that boundary with me, your mine."

Then maybe we need to take it slow...

"It's too late for that, I really want you."

I'm just here to have fun. I just got out of a relationship...

"He don't give a shit about you, I do. That's why he left you."

Well ummm...

"I'm cute, sexy, don't you think I deserve a dude like you?"

So I stopped kissing him because the conversation was getting a little to heavy. He sits up, and starts asking my friends a question. As he was talking, he tells them to shut up. Bad move. Especially with Dee in the room. Ohh Dee. Seems that Shortie and Dee knew each other, but I didn't know in what way. Shortie stood up was making a point that he was cute, attractive, and that he deserves a guy like... He was trying to make a point, but I wasn't really coming across.

He started to get into an altercation with Dee, and Dee just keep asking him to just stop acting that way. As I pulled him back on the bed, I knew he was tipsy. I asked him to relax, and talk to me, and he started crying...

"I'm failing."

Failing what?

"I'm failing school. I'm failing in everything. I do so much to make other people happy, and I'm not happy. People see me as this cute boy that has it all together, and I'm not. It is all a persona I give off, and I'm tired of it."

I felt his sentiment.

As he gets off the bed, he goes to the bathroom. He then starts to throw up. By this time, he was drunk. The Liquor that he so called could handle, he couldn't, and it showed as he layed on the bathroom floor crying his eyes out. He looked into my eyes and said that he saw my soul. He saw my pain, he understood what it meant to go through a breakup as well.

He was with a guy for 4 years, that literally took his life away. He took advantage of him. He cheated on him, and never even showed that he cared. But he stayed... because he didn't have any other way. They met at 18, and he lied about his age. Turns out he was already in his 40s!

As he was talking to me, he was looking to me to be that man that would rescue him from his despair. He wanted to be with me... but he really just needed someone to be strong for him. As I lifted him up, his drunken state got worst. He wanted me to get him into the shower, and asked me to take his clothes off. As I undressed him, he layed in the bathtub as I turned the water on. He was out for a minute.

All I could do was watch him and think to myself, how did I get myself into this shit?

Then..

he shitted.

All in the bathtub.

"I'm so embarrassed, get out!"

I left.

Over the next couple of hours, my drunken date was crying, vomiting and shitting all over Tyson's bathroom, as Jay and Dee helped to console and clean up after him. Shortie was too embarrassed to see me, and I stood outside the bathroom crying as he cryed. I heard words of his mother dying when he was very young, his dad was out to get him, and how he wanted to scratch off his face because it gave him too many memories of his fear and pain.

As they carried his, what I could describe as "lifeless" body to the bed, I broke down inside. Here I was crying over my own issues, and this beautiful guy had it far worst then me. Me and Jay layed by his side... but he couldn't find peace of mind. He shook and kicked in his sleep as he muttered words of:

"Don't touch me"

"Protect Me"

"Don't let him find me"

"They all take advantage of me"

He cried in Jay's arms as he started singing "Yes, Jesus Loves Me."

Jay sang with him as he cried as well.

By the end of the night, I was laying on the ground with Shortie, trying to calm him down in his sleep. Telling him to think of green grass, climbing trees and looking at the Sun and the clouds with me, so that he wouldn't keep reverting back to his dark past.

It helped, he was finally fully asleep.

As he layed next to me. Even though me and Fuzzy agreed not to talk to each other, I texted him to send me a special "Word of the Day" (words with bible scriptures) and he did. "Arms" was the word, and indeed like God's arms I had to console Shortie until he was ok. "Embrace God and all the energy that he and others have available for you!" I whispered that in his ear. I was tired, and fell asleep.

tired

I'm here crying with no one to talk to and its pissing me off! I'm tired of bothering my friends over the same shit over and over again! I'm tired of trying to be there for fuzzy when no one is here for me! You dumped me! Fuck you! Why does this have to hurt so much! I never cried this much in my life! I should have never agreed to see you because now my head is all fucked up! I'm tired of being strong, I'm tired of being weak, I'm tired of this hold you have over me, I'm tired no one is holding me! Why the fuck you have to be so damn confusing... why can't you just get it together! Im tired of blaming you for my pain! I'm tired of holding back what I feel to spare your feelings! I jush wish I can let all of this GO! I'm tired... I'm tired.

Looking Fly!

"Taken on my Sidekick 3 at work today at my Desk"

So today I decided to dress up. Reason being... my job is trying to give off a more corporate look, so from time to time, I have to do it up. But the "real" reason is now that I am taken the bus to work, I am more in the public eye. As much as I don't want to believe it, people read my blog, and recognize me on the street. Sometimes, I am not in the best "ShawnQt" attire. I mean, I'm human.

So I wore on a shirt & tie. I put on some Usher Colgne (Thanks Reggie) and I was feeling good, and looking fly! Now the interesting thing I noticed is that, people I don't even know always want to start a conversation with me. One lady on the bus was asking me about my sidekick. Then coming down the street, someone asked me for the time. Then another asked me for change. Sure I'm a friendly guy, but why don't I always get this kind of attention? I had a suit and tie, nuff said.

At work, clients were talking to me very differently. Wanting to crack jokes with me, telling me there life story. It was like I was somebody else. Then of course my coworkers are like, look at you, do you have a meeting or court today? Can't a brotha just want to look nice? Gheesh!

I do like the attention, what can I say. Hopefully today on the way home, somebody will spot me and be like, "Wow, look that is ShawnQt, the blogger, isn't he fine.

" Yes Fellas, I am... I am!

here I am...

"As much as I'd love to join you on planet Earth right now
Know that I'm too hurt right now to be civilized." - Brandy

"One day I was praying to GOD, and received this vision of a place between heaven and earth. It is here that I could have a personal connection to GOD. I call it, "The God Realm."

As I sit here in this space,

I ask you, where is it that you go whenever your in distress?

was it all a dream?

For the first time in my life...

I had a drink.

And not just a drink, but three cups of juice and vodka. Yet everyone told me its four. For the most part I told everyone I was tipsy, but I knew I was drunk. Everything was so free, yet so heavy. I was laughing, and I couldn't stop. I tried to stand up and compose myself, but I didn't. There I was with all my friends in the hotel room, cranking dat superman, and the spiderman, as if I didn't have a care in the world. I knew that I was losing control, and I didn't care because at the moment there was no hurt, no pain.

As the room started spinning, Brandon threw me a pad and pen and I began to draw. The first thing I drew was a heart, then some stars, and with a whisk of the pen, I turned my design into exactly what I was feeling & seeing. Then I wrote, I love you, and looked at the dog chain of us on it.

Mine said Dream on it. His said Imagine.

Then I started to draw his face. His beautiful eyes, his cute nose, his sexy lips, and his broad face that was alway manly & defined, yet cute and innocent. As I started to draw his name next to it, I realized that I missed him. We went from a year and 8 months, to it being all gone in one day. From living at my house, and having his own room, to me kicking him out the house only leaving an empty desk. From play fighting and playing video games to me laying here drunk as hell.

I needed some water, before I threw up.

I got in the bed, and told Brandon I loved him, as I was telling everyone that night.
He said I love you to, and I was knocked out for the night.

all alone

At first I wasn't going to write anything here, but I did want to have something to remember this day, so I'll post this video that I did back in September, but never really released.




Sorry I don't have much else to say, I just can't believe my relationship is over...

{re}union: was thinking

As I was deleting people out of my friends list on myspace, I came across a couple of profiles from people I went to high school with. It has been so long since I have seen any of them. So I decided to search some more of my classmates online. I came across my ex girlfriend, who is now married to another guy she used to be in love with, and they now have kids and moving to Japan. Then I cam across someone else who is married with kids, and another one who is married with kids., and then.. well you get the picture. I started realizing... have I really taken advantage of everything my life had to offer? On top of that, my 10 year class reunion is next year! Should I go? Am I established enough? What if someone asks about my sexuality? All these thoughts started going through my head, and got me thinking...

I was looking at one of the picture frames I have in my living room which highlighted photos of me back in high school. So I decided to blog about the photos to process these past high school memories.

{re}union: i remember

I remember my first day, when I knew no one, and I was all alone. It was a new start... to shake off all the days I was teased and taunted from elementary school and be the man I wanted to be. No longer would I be the nerd I once was, and dare I say it... finally have a girlfriend. No longer would I make up girls in my head, I could have one for real. She would be light skin with long hair, because I mean, didn't everyone want the same thing? I would be able to play basketball with the guys and actually be really good. They would think I was cool, and we would go to the mall to pick up chicks. Trying to see who got the most. Yeah high school would be great, if I wasn't so alone.

I went to my first class. There she was... Ms. Brock. The most Afrocentric and dramatic teacher I have ever met! She was poised, intelligent, and smiled with a devilish grin. If you THOUGHT of coming to her class late, without your homework, or without a book... she had a nice speech for that azz! F didn't stand for Fun. I was on point with her. Who knew, and I model her teaching style with my own class.

I remember walking down those big/long hallways scared I wouldn't find my next class. Everyone was so much taller then me, how could I even see above everybody? As I moved from class to class, lunch time was coming. I dreaded going. How embarrassing to go to a new school and sit by yourself? I was never the social type. All I learned was to hide so nobody would bother me. That worked for me. I missed my old friends, and then I heard....

SHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWNNN!!!

Could it be? I could recognize that high pitched voice anywhere! It was my female CUZ from another Auntie! We met in 6th grade, and when I moved to another school, there she was, always there to help me off the ground whenever someone knocked me on the floor. And now, here she was again to rescue me in high school. As much as I wanted to be a man and get through this alone, it comforted me to have her by my side. She needed me, just as much as I needed her. As she dealt with family problems and and strict parents at home, being with me was her safe haven.

I remember at lunch we walked in with confidence. We were going to do this together again. I was the artist. She was the singer. We was the best of both worlds at Arts High. It was very much like FAME, just more ghetto. As we had lunch, we sat at her sister's table. She was a Junior. Man I was so happy! If everyone knew I was related to her, then I would most def get cool points. So, as always we introduced ourselves as cousins to everyone! Hopefully my "nerdism" wouldn't fuck this experience up as well.

I remember having hamburgers and vegetables that day. As I looked over and saw this COOL GUY. He was at a table with a whole bunch of guys just cracking jokes, beat boxing, and just had everyone laughing there azzes off. Now he was cool.

"Go talk them," My CUZ said. "I know you don't want to hang around us girls all the time."

As much as I did enjoy their company, I knew that I would have to hang out with other guys if I really wanted to be BoyzIIMen. I loved that group, they just came out to. There songs really stuck in me all through high school, but anyway...

Before I could get up enough guts to say something to them, the "COOL GUY" came up to me, and told me to come over.

"Is that your girl?"

As much as I wanted to say yes, I told him she was my cousin. It was still in good company. She was beautiful. Short Halle Berry Hair, greenish hazel eyes, petite, yet tall, and the perkiest boobs ever! She had a flat booty though, but hey, she did have some white in her.

"That's cool, yo come over to our table and chill with us."

Is this for real???? But I kept it cool. At the time I had on this fly azz sweater, and everyone at the table kept telling me how nice it was. I never had nice clothes before, but I demanded my mother to hook me up. I told them it cost 50 bucks.

yeah.

It was only 20.

But they didn't know, and they believed me. This is high school, you got to do what you got to do to fit in. But in the end, I remember that they really didn't like me because of my clothes, but because I was actually cool. It didn't matter that my cousin's sister was a Junior. It didn't matter I used to be a nerd in my old school. All that mattered was I had two friends...

My CUZ and COOL GUY...

and they was going through high school right along with me, and we were was the best of friends through all those years!