Friday, September 29, 2006

Deja Vu


Some believe Deja Vu is the memory of dreams. Though the majority of dreams are never remembered, a dreaming person can display activity in the areas of the brain that process long-term memory. It has been speculated that dreams read directly into long-term memory, bypassing short-term memory entirely. In this case, Deja Vu might be a memory of a forgotten dream with elements in common with the current waking experience. This may be similar to another phenomenon known as Deja Vu rein, or "already dreamed."


Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Letter from my Fairy Godmother,

I was really moved by this e-mail I received today, just wanted to post it:


I was fascinated over your writings...Please don't stop living your dreams..start sending in your stories...You have it! I stumbled on your site ..I'm a married mother of I'm not happy about your sexuality but you got the talent. Get your manuscript together and start sending them in...45 rejections keep sending them in..get an agent..use your network and get published....Read rudyard kipling..L'envoi to the seven seas....Don't stop until the coffin drops..a mother of three stopped dreaming one day and had a nervous breakdown..but I lost my father in 03 and mother in 04 and the list goes on...u got it and u r not of your previous post u said that you were too short or something u and then the others will follow...

your straight fairy godmother

Sunday, September 24, 2006

can I be an orange moon?

"Why can't I be an Orange Moon
Reflecting the light of the Sun?"

c o m i n g o u t
I'm riding the 3 train uptown, and watch fuzzy drift in and out of sleep as I listen to beyonce on my ipod. I hear "your sexiness is so appealing, I can't let it go," and I smile. I can't stay mad at him. It was earlier that we all planned to head to the city to go to another one of Derrick L. Brigg's Book Club events. I had to work, and Fuzzy was coming to pick me up, so we could head over there and meet some friends who were also coming... yet that didn't come into play because he was an hour late.

I hate being late, especially when others are waiting on us as well, but fuzzy is always good with time, and this was the first time he's ever been this late... so I can't stay mad at him. Its cute to see him nod in and out of sleepiness. We approach our stop and make our "hike" to the book club. Everyone I admired was there, Derrick, No4Real, Prodical Sun, Ray, and few others I have met through the book club. It felt so good to walk in with fuzz by my side.

I can't emphasis enough the importance it is for me to hear these stories from other black gay men. It always motivates to do great and amazing things myself. I was even thinking about coming out to my mom sometime soon. Sometimes I leave the book club bittersweat, feeling like I want to do something, but I don't have a direction to go in. I'm not really known for doing anything "big".

After we leave, Fuzzy finds out that they are having church later on tonight, and he wants to go...

i d o n t w a n t 2 g o
I have such an attitude, and I hate it. He has an attitude because I have an attitude. All I want to know is how longis it going to be, because I really don't want to go. Yet here I am, in fuzzy's car, going, because he's not going to take me home. Besides, he went all the way to NYC with me to the book club, the least I can do is stay an hour or so at church with him right?

Well it would be easy enough for me to go to church, if I haven't had such bad experiences growing up with it. When I was younger, I was never comfortable going, especially since I got in trouble for "asking to many questions." Then lets not get on the "homosexuality" issue. But, since I have been with Fuzzy, I have actually gotten closer to at least being content with going with him to church. Yet, for me, I have to be mentally prepared to go. Not just go at the spur of the moment. But I have to support Fuzzy right?

I guess sitting in the back of the church with an attitude, hands crossed, face down, while everyone is praising God isn't support. I felt so bad, and I didn't know how to get out of it. Now I have to sit here and feel like I'm being judged for looking like I don't want to be here. As the church stands up to give the final prayer, the speaker talks about "rebuking the homosexuality spirit", and I walked out the church...

[to be continued...]

Thursday, September 21, 2006


Tonight, me and my friends enjoyed a wonderful evening watching Tyra Bank's America's Next Top Model. Overall, the season is starting off to a good start!

So in honor of Tyra and her greatness, I wanted to take some photographs of my own. So now I bring you, the Models and heroines of the X-men...


// ShawnQt //

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

is shawnqt going crazy?

Greetings and Salutations...
From the land across the rainbow!

We are the Gnomes of Shawn's Imagination and
we have traveled far and wide to bring you
this message to you this day of the sun!

Have you noticed something weird about Shawnqt?
Have you received text messages,
myspace comments,
& phone conversatons

About Fairies, Gnomes, Unicorns,
Gumdrops, and hetrosexual dragons?
Then you have experienced Shawn's Weird Phase!

It all started millions of seconds ago (Sunday)
When our master enjoyed the gentle company of
Fuzzy and Calvin...

Shawn had giveth Calvin the book...
what book is this you ask?
My beautiful dicklies and pu na nas,
the book is called


Yes, this very book was given to Calvin
so that he could choose the fate and destiny of
Shawn's Monday.
His mighty finger landed on "Go through a phase today"

Ahh, and so it was so, but there were many to choose from

FUZZY choose for Shawn to go through a 'WEIRD PHASE"

Many were confused, by Shawn's weird antics,
as if he has gone off the deep end, but I tell you this...
it was a grand phase for all to see, and we hope that you
have enjoyed it so, for soon will come another day that
Shawn will choose his fate with in

and this time, maybe ShawnQt really will become crazy!

This has been brought to you by the Gnomes of Shawn's Imagination.
Would you likesome Unicorn chips?

Of course not, you humans suck on dicklies and pu na nas!
What WEIRD choices you decide to put in your mouths!
Just spread there legs open, and do your business!

and you call us WEIRD for eating Unicorn chips?


Designed By: ShawnQt

My mom knows, but I haven't come out to her.
Maybe going to the event will give me the confidence to.

Check out Derrick's Blog for more Info.

Sunday, September 17, 2006


Why did I have a dream that I was at this huge Black Gay Party at GIANTS Football Stadium, and I invited my MOM to come along! There were half naked men walking around, and my mom was just looking around like, "What is going on?" I was so embrassed, lol. Then Fuzzy walks by, says hi to me, then walks off. "Um... where they hell you going,"I said.

"I'll be right back!" I bet you will! Then in the main arena, was a Iceskating Gay Parade! It was dark, strobe lights were everywhere, and the House music was pumping. The weirdest part was the "Hollywood Squares" Set up, where in each box was a couple of men acting as if they were having sex!

One square had a man tied up, while he was sucking his, umm... love below. Another square had two guys doing it Ruff Ruff-style. Another square had a couple kissing... upside down. Only in my imagination!

This weekend is going pretty well. My Boyfriend finally got a job in his career! I'm really happy for him. It has been a struggle, and I have been struggling with him. Money always effects any relationship. When one person doesn't have money to go out, or pay for certain things, the other has to pull the weight. I will always be there to support my Fuzzy, but I'm happy that money will be coming in. Even better then that, he's finally cooking! He's even training to be a Manager, so now he can take me to Jamaica, lol!

I love Fuzzy so much. It going on 7 months now. We met as friends, went through our own personal stuggles, and we still end up on top. He's laying on the coach now, knocked out! We just got finish watching Soul Food (Got the first season on dvd from Walmart for $20)! We could have went to the club with Omar and J, but we decided to go home. I joked with him, about us wanting to go home and just chill really made us feel like a old married couple. But I look at it this way. What other guys go to the club to find, is what we have. So I treasure that. We still go to the clubs, just once in awhile. Yet, I enjoy the quiet nights at home with my man.

Here is a picture of me and Fuzzy on Valentine's Day

It really makes me think about how lucky I am to have him after two of my friends broke it off with there lovers. You want your friends to be happy like you. I hate to see my friends become "bitter" towards men, calling them dogs, and having no faith in gay relationships. What can you do?

Well it seems like I lost my work out partner. He has a new part time job, and we won't be able to work out like we do during the week. sigh. I can't be discouraged. Fuzzy gave me his ab machine, so I'm going to use that, and continue running and riding my bike. The diet is on and off, but I have been eating more consiously! I think once I start seeing results, then I will become more serious about it.

My friends have been ragging on me on my dance videos. Now everytime we go to a party, and "Sexyback" comes on, I have to perform, lol. Babysteps people, babysteps! I have been inspired by new music from Justin, Beyonce, and Janet, so I might do another practice video soon.

Who knows!


// ShawnQt //

Friday, September 15, 2006


Uno, dos, siesta...

I said a-EAST, a-WEST
I met my boyfriend at the candy store
He bought me ice cream,
He bought me cake,
He brought me home with a belly ache

Mama Mama,
I'm So Sick!
Call the doctor,
quick Quick QUICK!

Doctor, doctor will I DIE?
Count to five and you'll be alright
I said,

Friday, September 08, 2006

dream four : renaissance man

I Dream
of being a Renaissance man.
Pantomath, A Homo Universalis...
...a person whose astonishingly wide interests and knowledge span the entire range of the Arts & Sciences.

Even though I am a Graphic Designer, it has been minute since I have done a drawing or painting for my personal self. I always wanted to be somebody that did very well in everything. If anything, I just want many avenues to express myself in a creative way. I admire Leonardo Divinci so much because he was just so amazing in everything:
Painter, sculptor, engineer, astronomer, anatomist, biologist, geologist, physicist, architect, philosopher, humanist.

Well even if I don't obtain all these interest, I can try getting back into BEING CREATIVE ARTISTICALLY. I want to be able to come up with a series of artwork that I can be showcased in a gallery. That is my dream.

It makes me think back to High School when I would be in the art studio cranking away. To bad most of my artwork from high school is gone. Lost never to be found. But I did take some photos of it, so in someway at least they exist here, in this blog...

I present to you:
"The Lost Art
Collection of ShawnQt"

A Landscape painting from acrylic paint. I believe I was a Freshman in HS at the time. I love how the sun reflects on the water. This is probably why I love nature so much.

This is another landscape painting in watercolors. This was my sophomore year. I remember putting me and the rest of my friends in the background at the end. I remember how my teacher keep trying to paint stuff on there, and I kept saying, I can do it myself!

This is a pencil drawing of my sister's doll under a lamp shade. I love the perspective because the lamp shade looks like the sun shining rays. The doll is actually Princess Jasmine from Aladdin.

This is a pencil drawing of Pinocchio with pipes going through and around him. The drawing was turned into a plate that was used for creating color prints. Interesting enough, that the pipe starts from his nose.

This is a pencil drawing of self portrait of me as a Hot Air Balloon. There are multiple "me's" in the background. I loved drawing the clouds.

This is my favorite drawing of a frog on a pencil. I don't even know why I drew this. I just liked how the drawing was really huge, and the frog is really small on the pencil.



Sunday, September 03, 2006

dream three : make words come alive

What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over
like a syrupy sweet?
Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

- Langston Hughes

Ever since I can remember I have always been into writing, playing with words, letting my emotions out on paper. I loved the shapes of letters. I would write them over and over again to see there curves and linear excellence, combined together to create sounds and meaning, then connected representing a thought so powerful, others could look at these words and bring forth amazing circumstances.

I have a dream...

These words stated by Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., and the words stated there after, have inspired and liberated millions of people. I have had many of dreams in my lifetime, some I'm living out now, and some I still have to bring into reality. This is the reason why I am writing down my dreams, here in this blog. In a sense, it is my testimony to the world that I can achieve what I declare.

Another dream I have is to become a published writer. Not in a professional sense, but just have a body of work out there for people to read and admire. In High school, I was the the President of the Poets Society. We would read our poems during lunch every month and include them in our section of the school newspaper. I had a english teacher by the name of Ms. Brock, who was very, ummm... Eccentric woman. Everyone didn't like her because she was very strict, and she would tell you about yourself n a heartbeat! But she always inspired you to better yourself. She always asked for 110% from you at all times, and never excepted anything less! She always said I had a "gift" that I needed to share with the world. I think she said that to all her students, but when it came to writing, I always had in the back of my mind, would Ms. Brock approve?

When I was in college, I still wrote poems, but felt limited. I never could write about my true feelings on who I was as a black gay male. Then I gained enough confidence to write my first gay poem called X-FACTOR. Soon came others, and I had around 20 poems that all personally painted a picture of my life within the Black Gay Culture. I talked about topics from displaying public affection, to dating a man trying to keep me in the house, to my battle with homosexuality and religion. I hope that one day I can continue to add on to these poems, and they will soon see the light of day outside of my computer, and this blog.

I will leave you with this portion of a poem called, Untitled (One Sunday):

"...Lord, you have given me life on earth,
You knew my destiny before my birth.
You blessed me with a beautiful family and friends,
and a spirit that defends, amends, and transcends.
But I ask you lord, what do they see in me?
Am I part of a burning city's debris?
Am I bound by a law you utterly decreed?
Am I part of a time period that didn't belong to me?
What happen to the love you sent to me?"