Friday, May 25, 2007

naked blogging

So I am sitting here "Naked Blogging."
Yes, you can take that literally.

No one is in the house, just me, a cup of orange soda, my itunes, and my blog. So I'm just going post everything I was suppose to put up a long time ago... and just relax! Writing has always been relaxing for me. It is like a release of thoughts, just flowing!

PLEASE NOTE: If you read my blog all the time, PLEASE leave a comment. I beg that you do! I would be more then happy to hear from all my readers, especially now that I'll put up three post for your viewing pleasure!

Well Enjoy...

photography :: my muses

I love photography.
The ability to capture a moment
and make it art always amazes me.

Here are my friends as my muses...

"WATERBOY" Model: Omar
"I love the contrast of the bottled water with the New York Bay"

"Subway Sidenap" Model: Greg
"The light on his face really feels like his nap is peaceful."

"Fish Special" Model: Shemar
"Shemar is a special diva... and I love the spotlight!"

"Out of Black" Model: Calvin
"I love this photo because he has never looks so powerful."

"Contemplating Tuesday" Model: Fuzzy
"The lighting is amazing, and it really captures his personality."

family legacy

A couple of weeks ago, my mother asked me to be a judge in her "Pitch In for a Cleaner City" Poster Contest. I remember when I was younger that I would go to the poster contest in hopes of showcasing my talent. I never got the chance to, but I was honored to be a judge. When I tell you it was a hard decision... man! Judging lil kids artwork is challenging. I was looking for creativity and a showcase of a clear message.
So we picked the winners, and we got to honor the kids at a really upscale restaurant overlooking the city...

The view was amazing! Even thought people talk bad about my city, you have to really appreciate the heart of people really trying to make it better. So I get to the ceremony, and realized that one of the winners was a girl I used to have back when I was working at the After School Program. She always into art, and remember her really getting into my art projects, but who knew I would have picked her without even knowing! Her Father was really happy to see me there.

The highlight of the experience was also how proud I was of my mother and grandmother. They are just like huge socialites! I never got that trait, lol. Here was my mother coordinating the entire event, and introducing me to all these important people in the city, and then here comes my grandmother taking pictures with councilmen and the parent of the mayor of the city! People are telling me how much they have done for the city, and I am just in aww!

I would have never thought that this Poster Contest would make me feel like my family is really amazing people, and I am just glad to be part of there legacy!

soundtrack: icebox

For this edition of Soundtrack, I'm going to highlight the song I have to dance to. One of my good friends, Brandon, err... Tyson is going to be in... how do I put this? A Gay Pageant? He is going competing for Mr. Gay New Jersey. He got second place last year, and trying to bring the crown home this year. I am really proud of him, because he is really motivated. I was honored when he asked me to be one of his back up dancers.

You think I wouldn't be nervous right? I mean I have danced on 106&Park in front of a live audience, national tv, and in front of the biggest selling female group of all time... but this is different! I have never learned a routine before, and it is VERY challenging.

So we have been practicing for 3 months now. We had a choreographer teach us the basics in a dancer studio, and finished up and polished the dance in my house. It is only 2 more weeks till show time, and I think I am ready... I think. Ok I know the steps, but I want to bang it out! I want to be on point! The other dancers have been helping me out, and I appreciate it. Hopefully I can get a video of the actual performance, until then, here we are practicing.

Sorry for the sideways view, the cameraman is an idiot!

Friday, May 18, 2007

part 2 : gender Nonconformity

What makes somebody gay or straight? Are we born gay? Is it genetic or social upbringing? Is it religious based? Those are the questions I have asked myself over the years. After watching the 60 minutes special on Homosexuality, I was motivated to blog about some of the findings in reference to my life.

"The bedrooms of 9-year-old twins Adam and Jared couldn't be more different. Jared's room is decked out with camouflage, airplanes, and military toys, while Adam's room sports a pastel canopy, stuffed animals, and white horses. Jared was eager to show her his G.I. Joe collection. "I have ones that say like Marine and SWAT. And then that's where I keep all the guns for 'em," he explained. Adam was also proud to show off his toys. "This is one of my dolls. Bratz baby," he said. Adam wears pinkish-purple nail polish, adorned with stars and diamonds. Asked if he went to school like that, Adam says, "Uh-huh. I just showed them my nails, and they were like, 'Why did you do that?'"

Is Adam Gay?
Well the experts are saying he has "Childhood Gender Nonconformity." A child whose interests and behaviors are more typical of the opposite sex. Research shows that kids with extreme gender nonconformity usually grow up to be gay.

So I ask myself, did I have Childhood Gender Nonconformity?

Let me go down my list here...

1. Ok, there were times I would put socks in my shirt and act like I had boobs. There were even times I when I got out the shower, I would wear my towel up to my chest, instead of at my waist. And yes, even I used to walk around in my mother's high heels. It was funny, and if anything I wanted to know how women balanced themselves in those things. Does that mean I want to act & dress like a woman?

2. I had a huge He-Man collection, but a part of me always wanted to buy a She-Ra toy. Why? Because she was cool and pretty! I even would play with my cousin's Jem Dolls, and act like they were rock stars.I loved that show. I even wanted to have a doll house, but was always to scared to ask. Does that mean I wanted to play with girl toys?

3. I was never a sports kid. I was very active, but never wanted to get dirty... or hurt for that matter. I played hand games with the girls! I jumped rope with the girls. Even Hide & Go Seek with them. Most of my cousins were girls, so who else was I suppose to hang out with? Does that mean I wanted to socialize like females?

Now I know that what I did isn't really that extreame... Or is it? Have straight guys done this as well? I know some of you guys have... or maybe not? Do I have this condition, do all us homosexuals have it?

Thursday, May 17, 2007

60 Minutes on Homosexuality PART 1

Gay or Straight?
What makes you gay or straight?
Is it personal choice or genes
or the way you were raised?
While science doesn't have definitive answers,
there's been some fascinating
and often times controversial
research that is beginning
to provide some clues.


I Will put my two cents in it once I take a look at the video.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007


So Fuzzy & I are ok.

It was just a lot of emotions, miscommunication, and immaturity involved. When you don't feel balanced, your emotions make you do a lot of irrational things. What I learned from all that was that He's not the bad guy. I have to stop making him feel like that. He is a good man, and he tries. He may not go as fast as I want him to go, but all good things come to those who wait. I am very happy with the outcome.

Side note: Sex is banging after you make up!

Anywoo... We went to the club that Friday, and all of us was like, we had a BANGING TIME! Fuzzy was drinking a little, and man did he loosen up! He was dancing all over me, and it was turning me on! I loved the attention, and he was dancing up a storm. I never seen him like that before, but it was cool. It's not a bad idea to get to the club before 12, then come back. If its free, its for me!

I feel bad that I have been slacking on my exercise regime. Guilty even. A lot of people have noticed that I have gotten a lil thick, but I only weigh 145lbs standing at 5' 6. I guess people are used to seeing me skinny.While my stomach is flat, I just miss my abs. I guess comments like me getting fat or thick are effecting me. So now I got to get back on the ball.

We are starting a new division at my job where we help small businesses get started by giving them services to answer phone calls, a mailbox, and be like there own lil mini office, with a conference room and all. I don't think its going to fly personally... but we will see. If it does work, then it will bring in more money, but I really feel like leaving by the end of the year. I love my job, really I do, but there is hidden tension between the employees and the boss in reference to money and healthcare. My boss does care about us, and he is trying but he's getting old. I think he is keeping the company going just for us. I hate getting blamed for stuff that isn't my fault. But I should be more on top of things.

I wish Omar would move in already! He is going to be living next door, and I can't wait until everything is ready! I hooked Jay up with a guy, and he really likes him! We will see how that goes, don't want to put any pressure on him.

Ok let me get back to work before I get fired, just wanted to peep in and say hello!

Thursday, May 10, 2007

who would win?


damn bitches... :)

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

another sad love song...

Sad songs make me cry. Especially when they are saying exactly what you are feeling. It is as if they have felt exactly how I feeling right now. I guess we are all human. Without love, I am nothing...

I love Brandy, she understands me.

Sometimes I wonder... do they help the hurt and pain go away, or makes you keep thinking about it over and over again? It's a mix I guess, because as much as I don't want to be sad anymore, all I want to do is listen to it again. Here we go again...

I love John Legend, he understands me.

It really sucks when your pissed and sad at the same time. You know why your mad, but sad that your mad. Then your sad that they are mad, and it just goes on like such. Emotions are not logical. They are just the aftermath of your thinking. Where do we go from here...

I love Deborah Cox, she understands me.

I try not to be a complicated melody. I try to be simple. It gets aggravating at times. I just want to be loved. maybe I don't let you. I just wish I could feel his love now, instead of hearing another sad song...

I love you, I just hope you understand me.

I do the deepest of my dreams...

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 10 years now. Even though we met on gay website, we both were only looking for friends. Through the years we have been through our trails and tribulations, but each time, our love always kept us together. Both of us have had our fair share of employment problems, but now I'm with a presitgous company in New York City, and my baby finally got a new promotion, it will finally help us get the house we always wanted. We will be sharing the house with my bestfriend and his boyfriend, and it is a dream for all of us to finally be together as a family under one roof.

One month ago was our anniversary. We have always spent our anniversaries just me and him, but this time we wanted to invite our friends, and some family to a banquet in our honor. You don't see a lot of gay relationships last this long, so we wanted people to know that it is possible. Some of my friends write for a couple of gay magazines like CLIK and Ballroom Rockstar, and they decided to write an article on us. I was so excited! Even some of our old blogger friends will be there.

Since New Jersey legalized civil unions, a lot of places have been very gay friendly, so finding an affortable place that made our guest feel comfortable was pretty easy. We wanted the event to be magical and artistic. It's pretty cold in Febuary, so we wanted to do a winter theme. Everyone would drive up to the entrance and walked directly to long the Icy-Blue carpet, with ice statues on the each side. They were images of a male couple in various poses, very romantic! As you walk in, a host dressed in a sky blue tux greated you in French, Spanish, and even some in Japanese. A lot of people was quite impressed but confused from the dialect, but the host would explain themselves in English as well.

As you walk into the ballroom, There were two long tables on each side of the room. Each table could easily fit 40 people. The center was used for the host to serve, and for entertainment during the event. Man, you should have seen it! There were chandeliers with ice crystals handing down, and the walls were filled with beautiful lights of different shades of blue. At the end of the room was a table were me and my baby sat. Behind us was Beautiful ice sculpture of me and him locked in a kiss. It was a sight to see! It brought tears to my eyes! The guest were seated, and the food was really good. For entertainment, we had dancers, singers and even a comedian who was quite funny!

At the end of the night, my baby had a special gift for me. A Host rolled out a really huge box wrapped in a bow, almost the size of him. He pulled on the bow, and the box collapsed on all sides, unleashing balloons into the air. Everyone was in awe. Then on the bottum of the box was a small blue box. He picked it up, walked towards me, and got on one knee...

I was so shocked, I didn't know what to say! I knew what was about to happen, but I didn't know this was happening right here, right now. So he's on one knee, and all the guests are just watching and smiling. One of my friends even shouted out "You Better Say Yes, Boy!" He looks me in my eyes and says:

"I have loved you ever minute,
every hour & every day of my life.
I have loved you, even before I met you,
because you emcompass everything I've been looking for.
And, here you are in the flesh,
right before my eyes, and you are here with me.
It's not about living each moment of my life with you,
but making ever moment with you last a lifetime.

I love you."

By this time, I'm standing there shaking, and crying at the same time. He opens up the box really slow, and all I can do imagine what the ring looks like. As I gaze into the box, I see nothing there. Everyone else looks at my face in disbelief. Was this all a joke? I look at him, and he smiles. He then says:

"There is nothing on earth
that can symbolize the love I have for you
So I have prayed to GOD to give me
something made just for you."

And as I try and figure out what he means, a spotlight shines to the cealing as string glides down from the heavens, and into my lovers hand. He opens up his hands, and shows me a block of ice. Within it is a ring. He pulls his hands close to his heart, and says:

"My heart burns so strong for you, that the heat will melt this token of love from me to you."

He squeezes the ice with his hands, and I can hear it breaking in his strong hands. Within his palm is my ring, from GOD, sent from the heavens, and made just for me. He pulls the ring out, wipes his hands, and places it on my finger.

"Shawn, Will you Marry?"

I look into his eyes, and smile. And shed a tear, thanking GOD under my breath for sending me such a beautiful man into my life. hold his hand, and Isay.

"I Do!"

He gets up, and I kiss his soft lips like I have never kissed him before, as all the guest clap and cheer.

...I woke up that morning with a smile on me face...

Friday, May 04, 2007

the last days of left eye

Dear Lisa,
Hey girl... I just want to say that I miss you. Your craziness. Your creativity. Your compassion. Your spirit. TLC was a big part of my teenage life. Yet, you know that. It wasn't until I was older that I understood the person you are, and the person you was trying to be. A Supernova... a light so powerful and so bright, that when it explodes, its energy is released into a million pieces. Then those pieces are formed to create a new light. Spiritually, you was like my ray of light.

It seemed like yesterday, you and the rest of the girls were a team. The best female group of all time. You stood for independence, freedom, & standing up for oneself. You was conscious about the issues of the world, on top of making all your fans dance, cry, and feel good about ourselves. I miss TLC, it just isn't the same anymore since you been gone.

To you, we weren't just fans. We were like an extended family. Even when the fans got together to see you in concert, or go to a TLC event in your honor, we came together strong. Fellow TLC fans were like family to me as well. We had so much fun together. We would do anything, say anything, sing to the top of our lungs, and just enjoy the experience that you and the girls created.

The realization that your gone still doesn't seem real. You was so vibrant, so in your face, your silence saddens everyone that loved you. All I can do is put in your cds, and turn up the volume when your rap comes on, and jam like I never jammed before. The only I can do is to spread the knowledge you wanted everyone in the world to know. To Love yourself, love one another, be at peace with your spirit, and express yourself until your heart hurts!
I love you, and I miss you.

“Last Days of Left Eye”

will have its broadcast premiere on VH1

May 19 at 9pm (ET/PT)

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

If I wasn't so nice... we go to this fashion show, the usual crew, and I finally meet Fuzzy's old fiance.

Well they wasn't going to get married, but SHE was the girl Fuzzy wanted to be with when he was younger. You know, the childhood sweetheart. They go to the same church together, and are still really good friends even after she found out he was gay. Cool. So we are at the fashion show, and she gets up to walk around during the intermission. Mostly everyone was leaving, so there were more seats open. I sit down to relax since I been standing down for so long. She comes back, and sits in another seat while the show begins. She then starts to ask around where is her white jacket, come to find out, its on my back seat....

So somebody gives her the jacket, and she gives me this mean azz stare, and then brushes off her white jacket in disgust. My AZZ or my BACK wasn't EVEN on her DAMN WHITE JACKET! I wasn't even sitting back all the way... and I didn't think I needed to apologize to her, and who would after that rude azz dramatic she gave me! YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ME!

I was over it from there.

So we go to Applebees afterwards, and I was quiet the whole time, it was just very uncomfortable. So she goes over to Fuzzy asking him if he could buy her some BBQ wings.... EXCUSE ME, THAT'S MY MAN! I calm down, they are friends, and he can buy her what ever she wants. sigh. I was jealous. So then he tells the waitress to put him and her on one bill. NOW THEY GOT THERE OWN BILL, IS THIS A DATE I DON'T KNOW ABOUT? I calm down. Of course I don't show my jealousy. I'm cool with it. But in my mind, I was thinking... WAIT UNTIL WE GET HOME!

As I order, he asks me, "Do you want me to pay for you?"

HELL YEAH! Then in my mind I'm thinking, NO WAY THIS GIRL IS GOING TO TAKE MY MAN!
My eyes are green!

So the next day, I go over to Fuzzy kissing him on the coach, and I ask him who he is on the phone with. IT WAS HER! I sucked my teeth, got off him and looked out the window. He asked me why I did roll my eyes like that, and I didn't say anything. I didn't want her to know that I didn't like her, out of respect to Fuzz, but then I hear her on the phone saying... I DON'T LIKE HIM!

SHE DON'T LIKE ME! I DON'T LIKE YOU! If I wasn't so nice!

Come to find out later on that night, she NEVER LIKED ME! Even before the white jacket on the chair incident. She told Fuzzy that I looked like a nerd... A NERD! JUST WHEN YOU THINK INSECURITIES LEAVE, I started feeling some kind of way. Back in the day, I was called that by the girls, and it left me depressed for a very long time. As I got older, I refused to let that part of my life get to me again, so it bothered me for a second... just for a second. If I'm a nerd, I'm the finest and sexiest one, with or without my glasses!

I STILL DON'T LIKE HER... but then I had to really get back to who I am. I'm not one to get jealous easily. I can understand why she would be upset if someone sat on her jacket, and even if I did, I still think it was a rude way to react. She is entitled to comment on how I look, because I damn sure have my opinions, but I would never express it. I respect Fuzzy, and if she is an important part of his life, I can make an effort to respect her. We just got off on the wrong foot. Somebody told me I should have put my foot somewhere else, but I'm too nice for that!


// ShawnQt //