Saturday, October 27, 2007

beyond personas

"For 3 Months I have been trying to hit you up, and you just been iggin me."

That is what he said when he first sent me a message online. My obvious thought was, of course I have been "iggin" you, I was in a relationship. I'm not anymore. I can either sit in my house and cry about the situation, or I can go out, and meet new company.

This guy is very attractive. He's light skin, same height as me. He is a Junior in college, majoring in communications. He is into fashion & art. He has done some modeling, did some print ads for big companies. He is an Actor who has been on a couple of major tv shows. Not bad at such a young age. Not mention he hear he has a nice azz & dick to match. I have only known him for two days, but whatever...

He was really feeling me. Always complimenting me. Asking me when we were going to see each other. Telling me how much he has waited to finally talk to me. I admit, it was a bit much, but I did like the attention. Something that was always on my mind was how people view me.

There is my persona, "ShawnQt", the Sexually Adventurous, Attention Getting, Animated version of myself. He is confident, creative & intelligent! Then there is just me. Shawn. The Shawn that everyone sees when the Superman Outfit is put away, the Fitted is taken off, and I'm just cool & laid back. What if I couldn't live up to the hype? What if he met me and thinks I am not what I seem to be?

Every Friday, we go over Tyson's Hotel (Dorm) since he has RA Duty. We all chill, hang out, drink, play games, watch movies, and do whatever. Since I didn't want to feel lonely, I decided to invite him over. So my boy X drives me to the train station to pick him up. I was nervous. Was I looking ok? Did I smell good? Was my walk and my swagger on point? Then I was like thinking. He was a pretty boy, what if he is feminine? Could I handle it?

I seen him standing out front, looking fly! He had on a hoodie with a jacket, cute hat tilted to the side, silver chains hanging around his neck, nice fitted jeans with some fresh timbs. He was on point... and he was just a regular chill dude. I liked. We got in the car and headed to the hotel.

We made small talk in the car as we headed to McDonald's to pick up something to eat. "Did you want something to eat," I asked, and he only wanted a soda. Stated he ate before he left. Ok cool, so as we are driving I was telling him about my "drunken night" two weeks ago. He called me a light weight, and told me that liquor didn't really effect him to much. Lucky him...

As we enter the hotel, he sits in the chair, and I sat on the edge of it. He puts his arm on my leg, and really starting feeling a vibe for him. I was cool. Tyson asked me what I was drinking. Cranberry Juice of course. Yeah he didn't see that, and gave me a real drink. I wasn't really up to drinking, but I drank it anyway. I knew my limits, and I wasn't going to be a raging drunk in front of my guest.

So we are all chillin, playing uno, listening to music, talking, drinking... and I decided to go pee. As I enter the bathroom, Shortie comes in behind me as I was just about to pull my pants up. We start making out right then and there. I picked him up and put him up against the wall, then moved to the sink, all the while he was pulling my pants down... it got a little hot, and I told him to save it for later.

We come out the bathroom, quite guilty, belts loose, and tried to get back to normal as we sat on the bed. But the passion he had for me was not quenched as he got back on top of me. As we kissed I could taste the liquor on his breath... something I was never to fond of, but because I had something to drink as well, I didn't mind it. Shortie was taken the drinks like a champ, gulping them down like it was nothing. Then as we kissed, he said this...

"I don't share"

What does that mean?

"What ever I want, I get!"

Ummm ok?

"Once you cross that boundary with me, your mine."

Then maybe we need to take it slow...

"It's too late for that, I really want you."

I'm just here to have fun. I just got out of a relationship...

"He don't give a shit about you, I do. That's why he left you."

Well ummm...

"I'm cute, sexy, don't you think I deserve a dude like you?"

So I stopped kissing him because the conversation was getting a little to heavy. He sits up, and starts asking my friends a question. As he was talking, he tells them to shut up. Bad move. Especially with Dee in the room. Ohh Dee. Seems that Shortie and Dee knew each other, but I didn't know in what way. Shortie stood up was making a point that he was cute, attractive, and that he deserves a guy like... He was trying to make a point, but I wasn't really coming across.

He started to get into an altercation with Dee, and Dee just keep asking him to just stop acting that way. As I pulled him back on the bed, I knew he was tipsy. I asked him to relax, and talk to me, and he started crying...

"I'm failing."

Failing what?

"I'm failing school. I'm failing in everything. I do so much to make other people happy, and I'm not happy. People see me as this cute boy that has it all together, and I'm not. It is all a persona I give off, and I'm tired of it."

I felt his sentiment.

As he gets off the bed, he goes to the bathroom. He then starts to throw up. By this time, he was drunk. The Liquor that he so called could handle, he couldn't, and it showed as he layed on the bathroom floor crying his eyes out. He looked into my eyes and said that he saw my soul. He saw my pain, he understood what it meant to go through a breakup as well.

He was with a guy for 4 years, that literally took his life away. He took advantage of him. He cheated on him, and never even showed that he cared. But he stayed... because he didn't have any other way. They met at 18, and he lied about his age. Turns out he was already in his 40s!

As he was talking to me, he was looking to me to be that man that would rescue him from his despair. He wanted to be with me... but he really just needed someone to be strong for him. As I lifted him up, his drunken state got worst. He wanted me to get him into the shower, and asked me to take his clothes off. As I undressed him, he layed in the bathtub as I turned the water on. He was out for a minute.

All I could do was watch him and think to myself, how did I get myself into this shit?

he shitted.
All in the bathtub.

"I'm so embarrassed, get out!"

I left.

Over the next couple of hours, my drunken date was crying, vomiting and shitting all over Tyson's bathroom, as Jay and Dee helped to console and clean up after him. Shortie was too embarrassed to see me, and I stood outside the bathroom crying as he cryed. I heard words of his mother dying when he was very young, his dad was out to get him, and how he wanted to scratch off his face because it gave him too many memories of his fear and pain.

As they carried his, what I could describe as "lifeless" body to the bed, I broke down inside. Here I was crying over my own issues, and this beautiful guy had it far worst then me. Me and Jay layed by his side... but he couldn't find peace of mind. He shook and kicked in his sleep as he muttered words of:

"Don't touch me"
"Protect Me"
"Don't let him find me"
"They all take advantage of me"

He cried in Jay's arms as he started singing "Yes, Jesus Loves Me."
Jay sang with him as he cried as well.

By the end of the night, I was laying on the ground with Shortie, trying to calm him down in his sleep. Telling him to think of green grass, climbing trees and looking at the Sun and the clouds with me, so that he wouldn't keep reverting back to his dark past.

It helped, he was finally fully asleep.

As he layed next to me. Even though me and Fuzzy agreed not to talk to each other, I texted him to send me a special "Word of the Day" (words with bible scriptures) and he did. "Arms" was the word, and indeed like God's arms I had to console Shortie until he was ok. "Embrace God and all the energy that he and others have available for you!" I whispered that in his ear. I was tired, and fell asleep.


Jay said...

Last night was eventful and a little depressing. What that boy with through and is currently going through is very sad. Even though I went to school to understand issues that were coming out last night and used to work with children with dark past, it never gets easier to hear it. I'm human with a heart. I hope "shortie" gets the help he needs, he has been broken and used, searching for love but doesn't know how he should be loved or what love is. He doesn't need a boyfriend or someone who is going to take advantage of his hyper sexual tendencies, but a good therapist and a friend. I hope he finds it before someone else takes another piece of him.

Promiscuous X said...

OMG no he didn't shit on himself. Oh my god brandon had to be gagging. I don't know if I should laugh or feel sorry for lil man. Dam that's mad deep. Shawn u sure no how to pic these niggas I tell u. Next time sumtime someone with less issues......

I'm still in shock. Cuz I woulda never guessed that about him

Tyson said...

Yeah, Last night can only be described as a memorable occassion. It definetly makes me think twice about the effects of liquor. I think that you met at teh right time. I think that you both needed to share in each others pain. I think that it was better for him to express the feelings and have that break down in front of people that are not dangerous. I also think that you needed to see that your are not the only one hurting. As I woke up this morning, I was glad that we had made it through the evening. I was very scared. A new day today. Lets live life to the fullest and enjoy ourselves and our friendships/relationships.

bLaQ~n~MiLD said...

Yes, I have know "shortie" for a number of years now but I must say that you actually KNOW him more than I ever have. Around me he's always been shy, reserved, and timid. I would always try to get him to open up but I believe my personality doesn't necessarily afford people the opportunity to remove their mask. I too was amazed to hear some of the things he was telling me in the bathroom and they were heart renching. You all know that I tend not to reveal my problems to anyone. I deal with them internally and I believe I am strong enough to do so. I do this by ALWAYS remembering that no matter how hard I have it, there's always someone who has it worse. I have issues that many are not aware of...many of which you will never be aware of, but I know that I am not the only one. In that I find comfort.

"Shortie" is in definite need of a friend...a true friend. I could not be that friend to him but it seems that you can. Ya'll may be able to help each other heal.



Omar Ramon said...

I was very much on the verge of tears when you told me this story earlier today and it is no less sad as I stare at this screen. That chile needs help, no shade. He has deep-seeded issues that have grown to encompass him. He needs guidance before this weed swallows him up and destroys his life.

So many people have a sometimes is such a frequently worn mask that noone can see behind the sharp tongue, beautiful face, tight body, arrogant sneer charming smile, stank attitude , or hilarious antics to behold what an individual is truly carrying inside them.

This boy appears to have been so frequently tossed aside and others with issues similar to hisusually drive each other away with hurt that has manifested into bitterness expressed as shade and negative energy. Pain is a common denominator that so oftens divides us from one another as .You may yet want to add him to your life as a friend or "little brother" but subtract yourself from the process of dating this boy.

You may feel up to the task of helping him but it may prove to be beyond your abilities.

Jersey Brotha said...

I was also in attendance and, honestly, I have NEVER witnessed anyone experience such a total emotional breakdown like that. All I could do was just sit and watch. It really made me reflect on issues from my past and gave me a newfound determination to not let my past derail my future. Yesterday was a perfect example of what happens to a person if they do not learn to deal with their issues as they arise, because they will come back to haunt you later. I pray that he will find that perfect peace that he needs and deserves.

One Man’s Opinion said...


Playboy Adonis said...

Shawn, you need to step back and exhale some. Sounds like your life can get out of control if you let it; but, don't let it even though you are going through a tough time you have to be like "its gonna get better if I just relax and try not to let it get any worse".

Sounds like the hot date has issues that he needs to work on too. Ya'll aint in no condition to be trying to hookup. But then again you can't say who you gonna or won't fall in love with (he might be the one, shitty and all).

But if it were meant to be then it will happen and you won't have to put any effort into it.

Now I know all about how good niggas look especially when the one you "got" aint been giving you any....but that's when you really have to be strong and focus on yourself dawg.

Its alright to be the single one for now....or one of the single ones...whatever

Your closest friend would probably pull you outside of that mess and try to block the bullshit before it even comes your way...for knowing what your going through already.

Shawn, find something new to do by yourself...and make it a point to do that new thing every other day or once a week. Clear your mind and your friend should probably respect and love you more as a person. Be strong and you all are going to get through this.....

Now as for that other guy (your date)...I care about people but I realize that sometimes the best thing you can do is give people space. As much as he needs somebody there you should try to avoid him right now. He needs space and does not even realize it. If he's failing then he should be spending that night catching up and not taking shits in somebody tub. My heart feels for people in need but I can't let that get my life more fucked up than what it already know? yes? no?

Tell him that he needs to spend this upcoming week in face-to-face with his professors all day everyday so that he can get back on point. And he needs to think about where or what he's gonna be doing for this long upcoming winter break.

Dont' get caught off guard and caught up at the same time.

Dapper D said...

baby boi, with all the love that i have for you, i will say focus on you. there will be guys as long as God provides air and the sun to shine. There is no rush to love. It is funny that we all seek love, but never realize that love finds us not the other way around. you are a major catch, obviously. love you and love will love you back.

dapper d

ThisMightBeMe said...

Interesting turn of events...Everything will work out for ya man.

Darius T. Williams said...

Wow...sounds like something in a movie.

ShawnQt said...

I first want to thank Jay and Dee for being there for him. And all my friends for being there for me this weekend. Tyson I'm so sorry! I know it wasn't my fault, but I was responsible.

I already knew that before bringing anyone around your friends, you should get to know them first. After playing by the rules for so long, I just wanted to live a little and just do it.

I will be more mindful of my actions and decisions, especially if they effect others.

The post was created to state the lesson I learned from Shortie.

1) Drinking Responsible is very important, because at any point you can leave your right mind, or lose your life all together.

2) Everyone goes through pain. Some people have it worst then me, and I have to not allow my fears to get the best of me. Peace of Mind is so important to me now.

3) You can't save everybody. As much as I wanted to talk to him and help him, he wasn't listening because his mind was to stuck on fear. Only he could help himself.

4) Compassion is more important then ego. After my persona and his persona was taken down, both of us finally got to see how human we both are.

5) Having my friends as my family has been very important to me! (I'm about to cry typing this, but...) Everyone has been supportive of me and dealing with my personal lissues, and it amazes me how caring they are, and I just thank GOD for them. They really want me to be a better person and deserve better!

6) Ok eyes are dry... ummm, Everyone is not crazy. Issues yes, but crazy not always. They are the victims and its hard when someone takes advantage of you.

7) Follow my gut feelings. I knew I shouldn't have brung him. but I did, and Im glad he came because it changed me, but I still ignored my gut feeling and should have listened to it.

8) I need GOD more then ever!

Outside of all that. My purpose in meeting people is NOT to find LOVE, REPLACE ANYONE, OR GET INTO ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP.

Am I horny? Yes.
Do I sometimes need company? Yes.

I spent a great deal of time trying to keep myself buzy, work on alone projects, while balancing my friendships.

I'm not becoming a monk because of somebody else's confusion. For the next couple of months, I may not make the perfect decisions, but I promise not to let me life go out of control. I'm to fly for that!


Rodney said...

Wait! This is fiction, right? Cause I'm gagging and I seldom gag, but operating under the belief that it's true, I will offer this.

Years ago, my trifling assed neighbors moved at 2 o'clock in the morning. Seems like the entire extended Rivera family came over to help expedite this process. After they had been gone a few days I looked across the street and noticed they'd left the front door open. I'd known the owner of the house for most of my life so I thought I'd go over and close the door.

I opened the storm door to close the entry door and the stench that met me was horrific, not to mention that the shade of red they chose to paint the living room hurt my eyes. Anyway... laying in the corner of the room was a pit bull puppy. These idiots moved and left the dog with no food or water. The pup looked up at me and dropped his head back to the floor, apparently too weak to move.

I went across the street, grabbed a bowl of water and some Cheerios (I didn't have a dog at the time so I improvised... shoot me). I put the water and cereal down next to him. The pup struggled to stand at the bowl and lap up the water and actually ate the Cheerios. As he ate, I weighed my options.

1. I could call the humane society so they could fix her up and find her a good home. Or...

2. I could take the dog to a vet to be checked out and keep her for myself (She really was beautiful).

She made the decision for me when she growled and snapped at me while I was refilling the cereal bowl. I flipped open my phone and started dialing.

As I sat on the porch, waiting for the animal van to come, I once again thought about keeping her, but I realized the Riveras had that puppy for months and I had no idea what they'd been doing to her in that time (they could have been training her to fight). I'm not sure if there really is such a thing as a dog therapist to help the animals deal with trauma, but I knew I couldn't afford it. I had made the right decision.

I don't know where the little bitch got the energy, maybe it was the cheerios, but it took three people to get her out and she bit one of them. I watched them drive off. I would call every few days to see how she was doing.

About a year later I read a story in the local paper about a toddler who had been mauled to death by a pit bull (the same one I had considered keeping).

The story told how the dog had been adopted at the humane society into a loving home. For whatever reason, while out for a walk, the dog broke free of her owner and grabbed the toddler from its stroller. The dog was euthanized at the scene.

Do you see what I'm getting at with this ridiculously long comment that I should have emailed?

Refer to professionals and call to check up every now and then.

Omar Ramon said...

rodney i am gonna hit you and then hug you for the comment you just left. a charmingly humorous and appropriate anecdote! i love it!

TheBlacks said...

Ain't that some shit!

simSIMa said...

wow...think about the stories ya'll will tell each other 3 years from now.

kennyking78 said...

One question: Will Ty invite him back?

Wow, I got the point of the story, but the individual events of the night are mad CRAZY!

I guess you NEVER really know what someone is going through until they show themselves.

"Shortie" definitely showed himself.