Monday, October 15, 2007

was it all a dream?

For the first time in my life...

I had a drink.

And not just a drink, but three cups of juice and vodka. Yet everyone told me its four. For the most part I told everyone I was tipsy, but I knew I was drunk. Everything was so free, yet so heavy. I was laughing, and I couldn't stop. I tried to stand up and compose myself, but I didn't. There I was with all my friends in the hotel room, cranking dat superman, and the spiderman, as if I didn't have a care in the world. I knew that I was losing control, and I didn't care because at the moment there was no hurt, no pain.

As the room started spinning, Brandon threw me a pad and pen and I began to draw. The first thing I drew was a heart, then some stars, and with a whisk of the pen, I turned my design into exactly what I was feeling & seeing. Then I wrote, I love you, and looked at the dog chain of us on it.

Mine said Dream on it. His said Imagine.

Then I started to draw his face. His beautiful eyes, his cute nose, his sexy lips, and his broad face that was alway manly & defined, yet cute and innocent. As I started to draw his name next to it, I realized that I missed him. We went from a year and 8 months, to it being all gone in one day. From living at my house, and having his own room, to me kicking him out the house only leaving an empty desk. From play fighting and playing video games to me laying here drunk as hell.

I needed some water, before I threw up.

I got in the bed, and told Brandon I loved him, as I was telling everyone that night.
He said I love you to, and I was knocked out for the night.

13 comments:

Jay said...

Yes you were a drunken mess. I'm still mad they let you get like that. Drinking solves nothing (oGod listen to me...drinking is normally my answer to everything...lol). Apart from the drinking, I'm glad we could lessen the blow for you this past weekend. And for the record I was oppessed to you drinking and wasn't in the hotel room (but still knew you were passed tipsy when we spoke on the phone).

Ty said...

Well, if you are going to get drunk like that, I guess it is best with your friends or people you trust. I'm sure things will work out though.

Jersey Brotha said...

I agree with Ty.

Playboy Adonis said...

Shawn, honestly I've never been through a break up but I know the pain of having to watch someone you love have to leave. I remember when I was growing up, running away all the time and living with different people's families because I didn't have anyone. It used to hurt me everytime I would have to leave one family and go to the next family because I started to get used to the families; and each time felt like my mother throwing me away again and again.

I grew up and here I am today owning my own business while working a full and a part time job, yet some might think that I drown my pain as a workaholic, but the reality is that I am a completely different person than what they said I would be. Everyone said I would be dead before I turned 18 but here I am. Everyone said I would be homeless and not working but here I am the only hard working person that I know my age or within 10 years of my age.

So, things change, people come and go...just know yourself (sometimes people come back and sometimes your better off without them)...Change is here in your life and you have to acknowledge the miracles that come with change.

Drink if you like (I prefer a regular martini no ice) but move forward....move forward.

Promiscuous X said...

Dam that was a post all by itself. (previous comment) but shawn ya killn me with the sad post lol. We gotta fix this. No more liquor for you. Oh yeah I left u that smirnof watermelon flavor. well its late text u in da murning

bLaQ~n~MiLD said...

I TOTALLY DISAGREE with Jay! Drinking solves everything and nothing at the same damn time! Now getting 'DRUNK' solves nothing because it clouds judgement and don't allow you to think clearly (Spoken by a true functioning alcoholic...).

Lil Homie, I can understand how you feel. Break ups aren't easy especially when you have invested so much into it and moving on will not be easy, however, you are a strong dude and you'll pull thru. This is just one of those unfortunate experiences that we must go thru in life and no matter how much we try to sheild ourselves from it, it can and will happen. The strength of your character is not judged by the pain inflicted on you, but how you persevere during these periods of pain. You are a conquerer over your pain baby boy!

1 luv,

~Damnit!

Omar Ramon said...

I can't leave you alone for a minute! As soon as I go home, you become a mushy drunken serial artist! UGH

You'll be aight. I am sympathetic towards you in whatever pain yu may experience and I'm here for you through any difficulty you feel you cant handle alone. That said, I ain't worried about you in the least bit.

WATER said...

It's okay to let go but don't do that again...Not sure what ALL went down yet UTILIZE this time for REFLECTION...you know I've been through some stuff...but it only makes you STRONGER...

Luv you lil' bro

-DLB

Rodney said...

Shawn drinking???

And you see... it didn't even make you forget.

Well, you've been blessed with the ability to consume alcohol. Use that and all the other blessings wisely, especially the ability to FORGIVE.

FORGIVE yourself and allow healing to begin all up in your life!

On your mark... get set...

GO!

*Madosi said...

break ups? what?! drunkeness? huh? what the hell have i missed? see, this is why i should not stay away too long. i say, if you are around your people whom you love and trust and it is a safe space, then by all means let yourself go once and awhile.

whatever you are dealing with, it will be uncomfortable for a period, but it will not feel like this always. sometime from now you will not feel what you feel now and just look back on it as a memory and a moment in your life that led to the new you.

embrace it! learn from it and grow from it. do not let it imprison you.

Dayne Avery said...

Okay, so it was your first drink? And your first drink was during your breakup? Hmmmm I say lay low for a little while.

Sorry to hear about the relationship. I everyone who has loved has been there and it hurts like a muth@fu(k!

Sounds like you are still feeling the aftermath and thats only natural. I'm with Derrick on this one. You need time to reflect or that monkey is going to stay on your back too long.

Pullin for you.

Simeon said...

wow...i check in on ur blog every once in a while and i totally didn't expect to read this. i'm terribly sorry to hear about ur break up...only met u once but that one time was enough for any stranger to realize that the love u 2 shared was deep. u will get thru this, not because of ur own strength, but because of the strength your friends lend to u. rely on them.

oh, and ain't nothing wrong wit getting tipsy...just don't let it become a habit...none of u would want that

WhozHe said...

We all process pain in different ways, but we must go through the process. It hurts but you have to continue the process of letting go in order for you to go on with life. Good luck.