lost friend

Why is it the closest people to you hurt you the most? He was my best friend. We grew up together. We shared so many experiences together, even my first time together... yet 10 years later, he no longer speak to one another.

Are friendship has always been based on just having fun with one another. It was always cool to be in his company and I would knew everything would be ok, because it was just me and him having fun! I met him in High school my sophomore year. He was the new kid who transferred and for some reason became the most popular guy at my school! I was in science class with him. I always wanted to get to know him, but was to shy to approach him. Towards the end of the year he started dating my cousin who also went to the same school. I think he was using me to get to her, but never the less, our friendship after that became tight.

A little to tight.

I never questioned my sexuality until he started feeling on me that one night in my bed! was 16, and curious... and as we experienced one another together, I asked him: Why did you do that? He replied, "Because your my best friend"

And so we continued, both of us living a double life. I had a girlfriend, and he was still dating my cousin. Cheating never really occurred to me. I just know that I felt true intimacy with him, yet felt like I was living an acceptable life with her. The guilt got to me, and I ended up telling my girlfriend. She was actually ok with it, the only thing is, she told my cousin, which of course got back to him!

Let's just say he stopped speaking to me.

I missed his friendship and the intimacy we shared, and we did end up becoming friends again at the beginning of my junior year. We became even tighter! I was really close with his family, and asked his mother to be my "God Mommy", since I never had one. So that made him, my god brother. I guess I became family. All I ever wanted was just to be close to him, important to him, since it seemed like being his "boyfriend" was never an option with us being so inexperienced with our sexuality. We wouldn't even know how to be in a relationship.

I think at one point, the emotional rollercoaster was too much for me. I wanted to be closer, and he was pushing me away. My feelings for him grew deeper into love with him, while he still saw me as his lil brother. I was feeling like he brought me out the closet, only to leave me to figure this out all on my own. My heart was at a vunerable state. I started feeling like being intimate with him was not helping...

So I pulled back, which was hard because while I had other interactions with other boys, he was the only one that felt, right.

We was suppose to go to the same college together, and he ended up moving to Philly to be with a man. Him leaving always confused me. Why did he just up and go and leave his family and friends behind? At times I would visit him, and our friendship always over ruled... we was having fun! I would always convince him to come back, but he never would take me seriously. He would come up to Jersey and we would go out and find guys at the clubs. We would go to gay pride and wear matching outfits. It was great being around him. While our attraction for each other sexual was dwindled, he truly became like a brother to me.

Until recently.

He would call me and tell me he's coming up to chill with me and my friends. Cool! Yet he would either come hours late, or not come at all. Then when I would call him, he wouldn't answer the phone. Then call me a week later as if nothing ever happened. This happened, hmmm, let's count... at least 5 to 10 times over the past couple of years. And every time he would apologize, and I would forgive him, and then he would do it all over again!


The last time I saw him was at my birthday party. It is the last great memory I have of being with him. Now all I have is resentment and anger towards him... I feel like I don't want to be his friend anymore. But how can I let go ten years of great memories with him? He's been acting like such an asshole lately, and it bothers me that my own best friend would treat me like shit over and over again.

If you don't want to chill with me, or be cool with me, fine, let me know, but don't call me and tell me you want to hang out with me, and then NOT SHOW UP! All the rest of my friends love him to, I mean he's a great guy to hang out with, but hate that he has been treating me this way.

I don't know what to do. I don't even know if he is going to be reading this. All I know is that I'm pissed I lost my friend.

my own people left me to die

my own people left me to die
but why?

I was there
sitting in the back of the bus

I was there
when they didn't allow me to vote

I was there
as they beat me because of my skin

Look, there I am
standing right next to you
as I pump my fist in the air

Look, there I am
sitting right next to you
on these college steps

Look, there I am
walking with you
holding my protest sign with you

yet, you left me to die
because to you, I'm not human in your eyes
you now have your rights
yet I am denied mine

because I'm black
and gay

and as these people continue to bash me
and you just stand there
with all your blackness

leaving your own brother to die

In Memory of Michael Sandy

another song

what should I create?

Yesterday I decided to buy some paint supplies to start working on my personal creative project. I don't know what made me just get them yesterday, but here they are...

I'm going to start off small, and do something simple just to get back in the hang of things. I haven't painted in at least 3 or 4 years. So what do I paint? I want to stay with the theme of "Dreams" Once I come up with the concept I go into my creative process:

1) I listen to music.
I listen to Beyonce because of the passion she brings to a song. I love her lyrics, they paint a picture. I listen to Kanye for how he creates concepts and how he delivers them with a social message. I listen to Bjork because she takes me to an abstract place. In my mind, I think that creating art is like creating a song... or an album. I think the same way when writing a poem.

2) I look for artistic/design work.
I flip through a couple of design books for ideas on colors, excution, & interesting shapes that work with my concept. I also look at people's fashion. There is some amazing design in clothes that I love to put in my creative projects. I flip through comic books to look at bodies, different perpectives of landscape, and how they can create moments in one shot. I even look at artwork from the past.

3) Think again. Flush out the concept.
I usually do this by writing down words and creating sketches on what "creative moment" I want to create. I think about if it makes sense to me, and will it makes sense to others. Do I want it to be subtle, subdued in mystery, or easily understood? How will it look on the wall, or with other work? Does it represent who I am and my style? Do I want to go into strong detail, or keep it minimal?

Once I go through all that, I get to work! Now what should I create now?

// ShawnQt //

call on me

I was sitting at work, trying to get this project done before my boss came back to the office. I forgot to put my phone on vibrate, and my cellphone starts to ring. I look at the caller id, and the name GOD comes up. I stop to look at it, and pause. I ask myself, "Is this really GOD?" The words G-O-D continues to flash as my beyonce/dejavu ringtone plays on.

Is this my calling? Do I answer?

___________________

A couple of weeks ago I was fascinated by how a couple of friends of mine can do so many amazing things for other people. Everyone is so talented! I wanted to do something big. I know that my blog has had some kind of impact on a couple of people's lives, but I still want to do more. Mostly this blog is for me. I want to create a vehicle where I can help others. Throughout my life I have always felt like the "underdog." I got tired of being a nerd, so I became more popular. I got tired of just drawing, so I became an artist. I got tired following other people's rules, so I created a leadership of my own. Yet at ever step I became higher, there was someone still more popular then me, more talented then me, more motivated then me. I think most people can relate to me on this struggle.

___________________

So, like Beyonce says, I need an UPGRADE. A good friend of mine was talking to me about this new venture he wanted to do. Of course I'm always down to helping my friends out. Once we continued talking about it, I thought that if I played a more upfront and instrumental role, then this could be my "calling." Not only could I be creative, write, I could also have a voice and help people and help uplift the black gay community. This project has potential to he HUGE!

___________________

The words G-O-D continues to flash as my beyonce/dejavu ringtone plays on.
Is this my calling?

I answered the phone.

// ShawnQt //