Sunday, October 15, 2006

lost friend

Why is it the closest people to you hurt you the most? He was my best friend. We grew up together. We shared so many experiences together, even my first time together... yet 10 years later, he no longer speak to one another.

Are friendship has always been based on just having fun with one another. It was always cool to be in his company and I would knew everything would be ok, because it was just me and him having fun! I met him in High school my sophomore year. He was the new kid who transferred and for some reason became the most popular guy at my school! I was in science class with him. I always wanted to get to know him, but was to shy to approach him. Towards the end of the year he started dating my cousin who also went to the same school. I think he was using me to get to her, but never the less, our friendship after that became tight.

A little to tight.

I never questioned my sexuality until he started feeling on me that one night in my bed! was 16, and curious... and as we experienced one another together, I asked him: Why did you do that? He replied, "Because your my best friend"

And so we continued, both of us living a double life. I had a girlfriend, and he was still dating my cousin. Cheating never really occurred to me. I just know that I felt true intimacy with him, yet felt like I was living an acceptable life with her. The guilt got to me, and I ended up telling my girlfriend. She was actually ok with it, the only thing is, she told my cousin, which of course got back to him!

Let's just say he stopped speaking to me.

I missed his friendship and the intimacy we shared, and we did end up becoming friends again at the beginning of my junior year. We became even tighter! I was really close with his family, and asked his mother to be my "God Mommy", since I never had one. So that made him, my god brother. I guess I became family. All I ever wanted was just to be close to him, important to him, since it seemed like being his "boyfriend" was never an option with us being so inexperienced with our sexuality. We wouldn't even know how to be in a relationship.

I think at one point, the emotional rollercoaster was too much for me. I wanted to be closer, and he was pushing me away. My feelings for him grew deeper into love with him, while he still saw me as his lil brother. I was feeling like he brought me out the closet, only to leave me to figure this out all on my own. My heart was at a vunerable state. I started feeling like being intimate with him was not helping...

So I pulled back, which was hard because while I had other interactions with other boys, he was the only one that felt, right.

We was suppose to go to the same college together, and he ended up moving to Philly to be with a man. Him leaving always confused me. Why did he just up and go and leave his family and friends behind? At times I would visit him, and our friendship always over ruled... we was having fun! I would always convince him to come back, but he never would take me seriously. He would come up to Jersey and we would go out and find guys at the clubs. We would go to gay pride and wear matching outfits. It was great being around him. While our attraction for each other sexual was dwindled, he truly became like a brother to me.

Until recently.

He would call me and tell me he's coming up to chill with me and my friends. Cool! Yet he would either come hours late, or not come at all. Then when I would call him, he wouldn't answer the phone. Then call me a week later as if nothing ever happened. This happened, hmmm, let's count... at least 5 to 10 times over the past couple of years. And every time he would apologize, and I would forgive him, and then he would do it all over again!


The last time I saw him was at my birthday party. It is the last great memory I have of being with him. Now all I have is resentment and anger towards him... I feel like I don't want to be his friend anymore. But how can I let go ten years of great memories with him? He's been acting like such an asshole lately, and it bothers me that my own best friend would treat me like shit over and over again.

If you don't want to chill with me, or be cool with me, fine, let me know, but don't call me and tell me you want to hang out with me, and then NOT SHOW UP! All the rest of my friends love him to, I mean he's a great guy to hang out with, but hate that he has been treating me this way.

I don't know what to do. I don't even know if he is going to be reading this. All I know is that I'm pissed I lost my friend.

17 comments:

His Daily Variety said...

An Old friend once told me, "Half a man can't build another man." This being said. When we tend to love people, and they have been a major part of our growth as a person, we hold on! But in turn we are not holding on to the person, or the love. But we are holding on to all those years. In reality they are nothing but years! Know Shawn since the day I have met you, I have learn to understand more... What it is to be ALIVE. To not think so much and enjoy, to not walk in the judgement of live, but the reality that it's not promised, and work it like its your last days. Realize that him not calling, or pulling back , has nothing to do with you. Thats his issue. Shawn you continue to walk in the Light. When someone like you shines so bright, a lot of your past will fall in the shadows!

Jamal K. Franklin said...

Awww - Shawn...it happens man. It really does. It's hard to say why life happens the way it does. But, give it a second. Do what you need to do - but don't fare over it for more than three days. After that, you need to realign yourself and your life and put the pieces back together again.

You're fly! If some folks feel you're not that important to deal with the way you demand to be treated, then that's on them. Besides, sometimes people are only meant to be in your life for a season. Ask yourself, 'is the season over?'

Coming Into Reality,
-Jamal

Barney said...

I had to comment..
Ive walked in your shoes when it comes to friendship.

One thing that always helps me is a poem called
"A Reason, A Season or a Lifetime"

look it up, read it, and really think about the words..
You seem like a wonderful man.
Live your life, be who you are.. and if your friendship is ment to be... then he will come back.
Read the poem.. google it..
and know that those close around you now, love you for you... no matter what!
Peace

antneya said...

10 years is a really long time to just give up Shawn. Sometimes even the best of friends grow apart or become less accessible than before. I would TALK to him first if you havent already and voice your concern...maybe he is going through something that he is trying to deal with on his own.

The real question here is...are you ready to move on and just give up on someone that apparently meant a lot to you?...not to mention that if he does read this...have you thought about his feelings?...sometimes in an effort to close a gap...we unintentionally can make it wider.

ShawnQt said...

wow... thanks everyone... hopefully he will read this.
I'm so numb to the situation that if he never contacts me again, I will have to deal with it. It still bothers me a little bit.

I'm tired of going back to people when they know they have done wrong. You didn't care to contact me, why should I contact you?

Rodney said...

I am ever the late bitch chiming in, but at least you know that I'm thinking about you. A very wise person once told me that we must periodically examine our friends to access the value they bring to our lives. It's just like having your home appraised. Sometimes you can increase the value by removing a tree that threatens to uproot your walkway. On the other hand, there could be an old fence behind the garage that no one sees. It really serves no purpose and is quite an eyesore if you take the time to go back there and look at it. Since you don't, it's no bother.

Our interactions with our friends will change as we grow. If they don't, something is drastically wrong. This reason, season, lifetime analogy is accurate in many respects. Being a natural collector of people, it was very hard for me to accept that I couldn't be everyone's friend and even harder to accept that I shouldn't be.

Face the fact that most people are in our lives to get us through a period... even our parents. They may play a huge role like that tree in the front yard or they may play a small role like that ugly fence. Often they will switch roles according to our needs.

Here are some things of which I always want you to be aware. Everyone doesn't think like you. What you know to be common sense may not be someone else's common sense. Your definition of a best friend could differ greatly from that of another. Your expectations of others, unarticaulated, remain unspoken wishes for which you can't hold them accountable because you never said anything to them.

ALWAYS RECOGNIZE AND ACCEPT THE ROLE YOU PLAY IN ANY SITUATION.

DLB a.k.a. "WATER" said...

When you (grow)as a person...Your Environment (SHIFTS) with you...

You're Growing Up...No Worries!

This comes with the package of life...

Keep Smiling Brother! :-)

DLB

fuzzy said...

I had a similar experience with my God brother but instead of him cutting me completely off he mostly cut me off.

I have tried to help the situation but I got disgusted in the process. A thought passed through my mind that maybe something happened and he doesn't want to speak to anyone. I honestly dont know what happened. I hate loose endings like this and I would like to see this resolved. Just stand back and see, watch and believe that it will be resolved

Jay said...

my comment is simple, one word...LAMAR!!!!!

$harif said...

Dear Shawn,
After reading "Lost Friend", I had to write to you. Why do you consider this person a "Friend" and let him treat you like this for YEARS? Do you still have feelings and/or in love with him?
Perhaps he is fighting feelings for you and/or trying to get you angry at him for attention? How does your boyfriend feel about this "Friend"? Never allow someone to treat you in this manner. I don't even think you should confront him about his thoughtless rudeness because it seems to me like he will keep doing it, you said it yourself, he apologizes and does it again. Shawn your to cool for a "Friend" like that.

ShawnQt said...

To Sharif:

I have love for him most def, but he's more like a brother then anything. I haven't had "romantic" love for him since I was a teenager.

We wouldn't work in a relationship, lol.

I personally don't know if he has ill will feelings towards me. I have never hindered any type of attention from him... if anything, I have went out of my way to make sure he doesn't feel that way.

I'm not going to confront him again on the matter, because that will continue the cycle. As far as I'm concern, I'm done.

life said...

This post was so real. I could identify to some extent. Growing up is so hard. Who would think we would outgrow something to familiar (as childhood friends)...damn

superMALIK said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
superMALIK said...

First i guess i gotta state that i'm object of this upsetting entry. my face and my business dragged through the mudd for all of ur bloggers to read and make judgements on summin they really dont know. You wanna talk about acting funny??? dude u been new since the new apartment, new boifriend(which i didnt appreciate he nasti message he left on my phone) Youve visited me twice in the 8 years i been here in philly...but ahm the one doin u wrong...if having my time molopilized by my family. for all of you who have an opinion from just one side u should be ashamed. i come bak to jersey to see my family and friends. family...you know how my family is...when they get me around they dont want me to go...but you dont understand that. when was the last tome we had fun without ur friends issues being no 1. this is my second comment i left because the first wasnt so nice. having someone i love and care about call me up tellin me my face and business is up on the internet like that was very unnerving to me. dude you dont outgrew me not the other way around...so ahma leave it at this...i have loved you and always will but this is it...the more i think about this the more i get mad, even though im tryin to be cordial...so u...shawn...have a great life, ur boifriend, bloggers, and bunch of new friends seem to be gettin you to where u need to be so u dont need or want me around so ahm cool wit dat...love always algonzo...and my magic mallet...(p.s. i wasnt the one feeling on u first!!! so i would appreciate it if you cease with the internet bashing cause people i know n love and care about me gets wind of this and i dont want them callin me like they did this morning...thanx

superMALIK said...

yo and this for all the people that first dont know me....second dont know what ive done for shawn when i got nothing in return nor did i expect anything...we forget to say things like that...ive helped that young man 10 fold times what he has done for me but im the bad one...u know what take ur new friends advice...we're no longer friends and leave it at that...yeah thats right ahm the worse erson in the world...getdafukouttahere

Jay said...

ok not sure how either of you will take this but being true to who i am, i will write this as if i didn't know either of you, as if i was just a casual blogger.

shawn, no one can tell you how you should feel. if u felt you were wronged by malik then those feelings are real even if they are only real to you. i to felt that way about someone i loved and considered to be my best friend. our friendship has come to an end as of right now do to the one sided nature of our friendship. it wasn't always that way and there were good times, but everyone has their breaking point and we have to know when its time to call it quits. i must agree with malik when i say, putting his face on ur blog was a bit much and if you didn't know if your frienship was going to last, those pictures destroyed any hopes.

malik, if what you are saying is true you have a valid reason to be upset. i mean if he neglected u in ways that u described, he is guilty of doing the same to you that he posted of you in his blog. unforunately, we can only blog from our own experiences, beliefs and pain and thats what shawn did. while reading ur response i can definitely tell that u responded through pain. reading ur comment i think i actually understood the frustration shawn had better. i think he saw u truely as his brother and seeing how u stated u give ur family all the time when you come up here, i would feel the same as shawn. it is a selfish feeling of wanting to be treated like ur other family members.

neither of you are wrong in how u feel. just hope both thought out the outcome carefully. took me time to recognize my friendship was over, i still love my best friend, but it was over. not saying yours is over, but..shit happens.

superMALIK said...

first to jay...i read your comment and was really moved by ur unbiasness, i dont think thats a word but shyt its late lol, then i realized it was you and almost brushed it off u know cause ur u...;-) thats a good thing but i reread it and i just want to thank you for seeing the whole picture and tryin to help us both cope with this situation. see lost friend part 2 for comment to shawn