Sunday, September 24, 2006

can I be an orange moon?



"Why can't I be an Orange Moon
Reflecting the light of the Sun?"


c o m i n g o u t
I'm riding the 3 train uptown, and watch fuzzy drift in and out of sleep as I listen to beyonce on my ipod. I hear "your sexiness is so appealing, I can't let it go," and I smile. I can't stay mad at him. It was earlier that we all planned to head to the city to go to another one of Derrick L. Brigg's Book Club events. I had to work, and Fuzzy was coming to pick me up, so we could head over there and meet some friends who were also coming... yet that didn't come into play because he was an hour late.

I hate being late, especially when others are waiting on us as well, but fuzzy is always good with time, and this was the first time he's ever been this late... so I can't stay mad at him. Its cute to see him nod in and out of sleepiness. We approach our stop and make our "hike" to the book club. Everyone I admired was there, Derrick, No4Real, Prodical Sun, Ray, and few others I have met through the book club. It felt so good to walk in with fuzz by my side.

I can't emphasis enough the importance it is for me to hear these stories from other black gay men. It always motivates to do great and amazing things myself. I was even thinking about coming out to my mom sometime soon. Sometimes I leave the book club bittersweat, feeling like I want to do something, but I don't have a direction to go in. I'm not really known for doing anything "big".

After we leave, Fuzzy finds out that they are having church later on tonight, and he wants to go...


i d o n t w a n t 2 g o
I have such an attitude, and I hate it. He has an attitude because I have an attitude. All I want to know is how longis it going to be, because I really don't want to go. Yet here I am, in fuzzy's car, going, because he's not going to take me home. Besides, he went all the way to NYC with me to the book club, the least I can do is stay an hour or so at church with him right?

Well it would be easy enough for me to go to church, if I haven't had such bad experiences growing up with it. When I was younger, I was never comfortable going, especially since I got in trouble for "asking to many questions." Then lets not get on the "homosexuality" issue. But, since I have been with Fuzzy, I have actually gotten closer to at least being content with going with him to church. Yet, for me, I have to be mentally prepared to go. Not just go at the spur of the moment. But I have to support Fuzzy right?

I guess sitting in the back of the church with an attitude, hands crossed, face down, while everyone is praising God isn't support. I felt so bad, and I didn't know how to get out of it. Now I have to sit here and feel like I'm being judged for looking like I don't want to be here. As the church stands up to give the final prayer, the speaker talks about "rebuking the homosexuality spirit", and I walked out the church...

[to be continued...]

15 comments:

Ladynay said...

I thought your mom knew about your sexual preference...

Valentino said...

Ooooooooooo...and just when you were feeling bad...

lj said...

Well seing as you didn't want to go and the reasons that you didn't want to go. You couldn't really be expected to be thrilled to be there.

Dayne Avery said...

Its good that you still cant stay mad at the fuzz after 7 months. I would have been poking him in his sleep on the train like "thats for making us late sukka"

As for church...no comment

Anonymous said...

Whats going on this is one of the brothers you met at the discussion saturday I know what youre talking about with the church thing I'm a Christian but with all this homophobia going on its hard but keep ya head u[

Tony said...

I love praising the Lord and I even enjoy going to church… but I hate sitting through those homosexual lectures. I know everyone’s views are different but I refuse to believe that if the Lord was so against my way of life that he would have blessed me in the many ways that he has so far in my life.

Rodney said...

An orange moon? Reflecting the... What the hell?

I guess I'm missing the meaning because I'm slightly annoyed. First, at you because you keep forgetting that you are just as great as all the people you admire, me included. By all means, admire our accomplishments and, even then, know that those things didn't occur without assistance or intervention... Divine or otherwise. You are greater than all of us because you have the humility to acknowledge what is good in others, even when they can't articulate what is great about you. Fukkalldembitches! No shade... lol.

Just remember... what looks fabulous on a Saturday afternoon might look like hell on a Tuesday night.

And you are known for doing something big. You wake up everyday and live. You use this medium to HONESTLY express your feelings. AND who else can make a blog look like you do?

I'm also annoyed at the church situation, but I can't figure out who I'm most annoyed with... the churches for peddling their representation of God to an unsuspecting audience or the bright people who sit in the audience and allow themselves to be fed spoiled goods out of sheer laziness.

Get out there and do your research. Find the people who serve the God that loves you BECAUSE of who you are, not in spite of it. And PLEASE... don't go to another church where you are not celebrated and appreciated for WHO YOU ARE and not for what you could be. God hasn't instructed anyone to stand up and tell you that you should hate yourself because of how you were made. It's absolutely unChristian, yet it goes on all over the world. These churches bash the gay children while depending on their tithes and offerings to keep the church doors open and the pastor in a new Cadillac. Fukkalldemchurches! No shade.

On a lighter note. Congratulations on still being in love, despite those who said it wouldn't work. Fukkalldemhaters!

The Captain said...

Homosexuality has never been a blessing in society for thousands of years. If Tony's comments is true, then why is it fought against for so long. God's blessings are never fought against or turned down.

Quiet as it is kept, I wrote on something similiar on my blog that is now, Captain-Resurrected.

ShawnQt said...

I first want to say thank you for all the comments, I appreciate it!

@ ladynay: All Moms know, but I'm not out to her. We don't want about it at all. I would like to express who I am with her, without thinking it is some big family secret.

@ valentiono: tell me about it!

@ lj: I should have been a little bit more mature about I think.

@ Dayne: In reference to being late, I was pissed, but I took the time to calm down then to blast at him. He does too much for me to be blowing up at him over one mistake.

@ anonymous: glad you found my blog! That exactly what it is... fear & ignorance.

@ Tony: I commend you for accepting who you are in this life in the eyes of GOD!

@ Rodney: I will explain what the Orange Moon means in the next post. Acually they are lyrics to an Erykah Badu song, great song!

Rodney, I understand what you mean about seeing greatness in others when they don't see it in you. i take that to heart. Thank You... Im working on doing more while appreciating what I am now.

When they was doing the prayer, and everyone had there hands up, as soon as I heard that, I put my hands down. I couldn't accept that.

If you see yourself as a gay men struggling with homosexuality, keep your hands up for deliverence.

If you see yourself as a gay man, understanding who you are, and being proud of the entire you, don't accept the words of a person that wishes for you to be gone. His prayer was answered... I left the church.

@ Captain: Of course homosexuality can be up for debate until the cows come home. But this is my blog, so I can only talk about how it has been a blessing for me.

1) This is me. I am a blessing.
2) It has allowed me to be open minded and see other people and accept them.
3) I have the most wonderful homosexual friends that I can relate to.
4) I am in love with the most amazing man.
5) It has actually made me closer to the most loving GOD I have ever known.

Sure there are things that I would like to improve about me being gay, but there are other things in this world I would like to improve in this world!

Maybe one day, in the grim of your imagination, homosexuality will be ok, even a blessing for the next 1,000 years.

You stated that: God's blessings are never fought against or turned down. But that is always up to what you consider a "blessing". Money can be a "blessing" or what some people call the "root to all evil"... it all depends on what you do with the money.

So you can either be a good homosexual or a bad homosexual, or stop being a homosexual at all Captain.

Rodney said...

Oh hell 2 da naw! The captain??? RESURRECTED??? I thought Charles X shut him down. And why does he continue to go around leaving comments on gay people's pages? That's like coming to my house and telling me how much you find me offensive and what a bad person you think I am.

The very best thing about that is if someone is in my house and I feel they are a threat to my well-being, I can kill them in self-defense.

I say we strike unconstructive, worthless comments from our pages and respond to them outside of this forum.

Rodney said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Tony said...

Sorry Mr. QT I had to respond to Captains comments.

@captain: My sexuality does not define me. As much as man attempts to label everyone differently there are really only 2 kinds of people in this world: those that serve the Lord, and those that don’t. So the way I see it you and I are on the same team. Like it or not.

With every good thing comes struggle. Americans fought and struggled for their independence. African Americans fought and struggled for their freedom. Women fought and struggled for their equality and yes, I’m fighting and struggling to live my gay life to best of my ability while serving the Lord. But my struggle isn’t with the Lord; it’s with the people that think they speak for Him but only preach intolerance and hate. So to answer your question we have to fight because unfortunately fighting has become a way of life.

…And if I remember correctly God considered his son Jesus a blessing on earth and man fought against him and turned him down. In fact they murdered him on the cross.

Jamal K. Franklin said...

Ugh - hit Captain in his mouth. Anyway - lol - you walked outta church. You should've just started shouting and "catching" the holy ghost like you did when you were alone in your house - lol.

The Captain said...

No need to be violent- Mr. Franklin. You know good and well the South Side boys in Chitown can always beat a West Side Nigga behind!

I do not preach hate or indifference.

Charles X? His comments were elementary.

Marz said...

At least you can leave the church. I have to sit and go into this mental blcok place (that inspires really great angry writing.)


I digress.

AWWWWW. I think everyone has a limit to what they can take, and it's better to get to that place and move on and not push yourself. It never really turns out well when you take more than you can.


Although, it might build more resistance in you, and raise your tolerance level. (If one is willing to risk it.)

-Marz