im so not me...

So Im on my way to the beach for the last days of summer. Im blogging from my phone, so will not make this long. Just felt since the trip was going to long I might as well blog, u know! So ride with me, LOL!

We are on our way to the nude beach. Again, lol. I know, I know its starting to feel like my trademark, but I think this time Im not going to do it. Weird right? I feel like Im more confident to do it body wise, but just don't. Fuzz used to be my inspiration for doing it, he won't be by my side this time. I don't know, if I get drunk enough, maybe, LOL.

Speaking of Fuzz, he is going to be there. He has been planning this trip on his own for a couple of weeks now. At first I wasn't going to go because he was there, but I can't keep hiding, and deprieving myself of fun because he will be there. We don't talk much. I had a sore throat the other day, and he sent me a message hoping I felt better. Wonder how he found out? Had to be one of our friends, lol. Its weird. I want to talk to him, but I think I will just get angry all over again and throw a boot at him, so I don't. It is so weird how thin the line of love/hate is.

Im so not myself these past couple of weeks. I used to be all about love, relationships, and living a wonderful life with ur soul mate, and now I think the whole thing is bullshit! Now Im not saying Im "bitter" because the last thing I want to do is be that. I know love is out there. I am just not feeling "love' right now, at all! I can't believe Im actually "Damaged" like Danity Kane says. Only thing is, I need to a first kit handy for not and not from someone else!

I have been such a "slut puppy" to. I don't know why, I just am. Don't mind being one to, LOL. I have been a lot of fun to! Ok sometimes I feel guilty, but then again I don't. Im so not myself right now, and don't care. The guys have been coming out of the woodwork, and just been a big huge flirt! If ONLY I could tell ya the stories! I won't. At least not now. I don't know if Fuzz still reads my blog, but should I even care?

I have been really happy my friends have been there... which really helped me a lot. I would be an emotional wreck if it wasn't for them. I think I have started becoming moody. I will go from happy, to sad, to angry as hell, to just not feeling anything. This is so not me, but Im dealing. I think I need to write this blog post to get some of this out, it gets hard holding all this in.

Im mostly concerned with with my anger. I never been an angry person, and I don't know how to express it correctly. I try to rationize it but I don't want to, I just feel like breaking a dish! I feel like Im going to be like Jill Scott in that Tyler Perry Movie, or Angela Bassett in Waiting to Exhale! I try to use the gym to let it out, but it takes to much control, I need to lose control! Wow I sound like the Dark Phoneix! LOL

I pray a lot. Keep asking GOD to walk in front of me. So anything that I am about to encounter God can bless it or push it away. This comes to play in my other parts in my life, like my job, my money, and where I want to go creative wise. I pray for strength. I pray not to feel empty. I just pray that I don't really throw a boot at somebody, LOL!

We are almost there, and I have to pee so badly! Omar Twin is so not going to pull over. Its like 85 degrees, so it should be a good day! My Omar is knocked out sleep. We listening to some reggae music, Twin is getting it in! LOL. We have some other friends following us, and meeting us there. I wonder if I will meet a guy I can flirt with. LOL. Flirting is fun to say the least. I know I can't get people all caught up in me. I know it can happen, im a lovable guy! So have to keep people at arms length.

Ok I already feel better reading this, this is so not me, but Im ok with it.

so what...

Ever wanted to know what the mind of ShawnQt looks like, here it is. Ever since I heard this song by PINK (song below), I have been a broken hearted, horny toed, spontaneous, drunken, flirty, emotional, don't give a fuck slut puppy! And you know what? After being in 2 relationships, back to back with close to 5 years of my time, I'm actually feeling good, I'm not myself!

black&blue

black&blue.

These are the colors of my feelings. Living with a broken heart can be very, hmm what is the word? devastating. Yeah, I like that word. For the past few weeks, my mind and even my actions have been very much choatic and in disorder. I'm so an abstract painting right now, much more Dada then Dali.

In a pit of rage, I wanted to BLACK, and just take my timbaland boot off, grasp it with all my might, and fling that bad boy through the air until it flew through space, hit the moon, putting the earth back on its axis, triggering the rest of the planets & stars to align, and everything in the universe would be back in order. Wherever it landed on its way back to earth is all up to GOD, but I have one head in mind. Funny how a broken heart can give you a mean right pitch.

And sometimes I would feel BLUE, where crying on the way home from work is a norm. Or cleaning the house only to find lil reminders of your life before. Even seeing the dog whimper at the door, hoping, praying & wishing that daddy will come back with a doggie treat... spreads the cracks even more. I dream of this hidden torment and these growing insecurities, and trust me its not a good look.

I am black&blue...

 and need time to heal.

ADVISE?

What color should I be next?

:: the breakup ::

Sometimes I am not strong enough to truly express the most hurtful feelings inside of me. Thank God for music, words, & creativity.

// ShawnQt //

what hiv means to me

It seems that for the past couple of weeks, I have been meeting people that have felt comfortable enough to tell me how HIV has effected there lives, either knowing someone that has passed away or them having it themselves. In this day in age, I think all of us has been effected by it. Sure we talk about how the government & health agencies should help in prevention and spreading the word. But how often do we just have a general conversation about it, and how it makes us feel on a social level? I just wanted to open up a dialogue with you guys about my views about it, and maybe you can ask the same questions among your friends.

Disclaimer: I am HIV Negative, but does it matter? 

Would you treat me different if I was Positive?

How would you feel if you had HIV?

I think that I would be shocked and sad at first. I would really need a lot of love and support. I think I have been very conscious about my sexual practices. The biggest thing that would beat me up, would be my level of guilt and my carelessness. Everything happens for a reason, but I think it would be a hard process to kinda get past the "its all my fault" phase. Even the most careful and conscious people can get it once. Hopefully I would get enough courage to learn to deal with it, and continue living my life as if it was my last. I would love to talk and help others though.

How would you feel not having HIV?

I am extremely blessed, but can't guarantee that I will always be HIV negative. With every sexual encounter I may have, and the whole 6 month window, you can never be 100% sure you do or you don't have it. Dealing with guys, you always have to ask, and sometimes they say "I don't have it," but they may not even know, so you still have to be careful. So can you really say that your dating someone that is fully negative?

Would I be friends who those who are HIV+?

Of course! People are People! I am not one to judge, and what happens to someone I am sure was a careless mistake. Having a social support is always important! I dont think of anyone less. I think that is important for all of us to open our minds about that, and not stigmatize people.

Would you date someone who is HIV+?

That has always gone through my mind for a really long time, but my answer would be yes. LOVE surpasses all, and if I was positive, I would want someone to see past that and LOVE me just the same.  It can be hard, Im sure! But if both parties stay protected, and have open conversations about it, it should be fine. There are so many "hot" sexy things to do then just penetration.  Sex should always be about intimacy anyway.

Should a man reveal they are HIV + on a dating website?

I think it depends on the person. I think it is courageous of those who do! But I am pretty firm on not letting my business out like that reagardless. What about other STDs? Should we list those on the site as well, because clearly that is important to. I think overall those conversations should be made in person and BEFORE you have sex with them.

If you was dating someone, when should

be the right time to talk about your HIV status?

I don't think there is a definite answer. Ideally you should talk about it before having sex, or maybe talk about getting tested together, so that way your not singling anyone out. But I guess within the first couple of months of getting to know the person. If I was positive, I would hate to tell someone, and they are really not the one, and they go telling my business all over the place.

If two men are both positive, should they have raw sex?

What two men do in there own bedrooms is up to them. Yet always remember, there are different strands of HIV, and if you get another strand, you may end up worst then you already are. You should just be protected at all times.

If your friend wanted to date someone, 

and you know they were HIV+, would you tell your friend?

This is such a sensitive question! Umm... Ok I think that anyone's status should be private, and that person should tell anyone on there own time. The best way to approach it is to ask your friend, "Hey I know you guys have been kicking for awhile, did you guys get tested together or do you know his status?" There you have open up the conversation for them to either think about without fully telling them.  Try that a couple more times until the person finds out on there own. You can always go up to the HIV+ friend and kinda ask them, but in the end, it is there relationship, and they have to deal with it on there own time.

If you was HIV+ and you found out the person that gave it to you always knew, but didn't tell you, would you get revenge and run there name through the streets, or run them over on the street, LOL?

Giving someone HIV knowingly is a crime, and they have have laws for that, so there is no point of you getting a criminal record for getting revenge!

Do you think that HIV was created by the government? 

I know that Kanye West thinks so, but I don't have enough evidence to say this is true.

Why do you think that the epidemic is so huge in the black gay community?

I think it is because we don't talk about it and we stigmatize those who do. In our society we don't live healthy sexual lives. Everyone thinks it can't happen to them, but it can, and we need to be more mindful of that, even myself.

Do you think that HIV is a curse sent down from GOD for the sin of homosexuality?

NO! Disease is a natural biological occurrence that we inflict on ourselves as human beings. What sense would it make for disease to have a mission for a certain group's actions? Why didn't white people get a disease for the slavery of African Americans? How about the Nazis? Nature is what it is, who is to say that HIV is was created to enhance our immune systems and this is just a natural way of us evolving? There have been other epidemics that we have overcome, and this won't be any different.

Do you think that someone can be cured from HIV medically and spiritually?

The ability and power of one's faith is unbound and so is the design of our bodies. There is even a story of a woman who's immune system is so strong she can fight off the virus on her own! There will be a cure, either through medicine or by GOD, question is, what is  the difference between the two?

Tell Me Your Thoughts,

What does HIV mean to you?

"the secret"

I started this blog 2 years ago to put some of "dreams" in motion. I always wanted to have the body I always wanted. So for my  last birthday, I just asked for two books. The LL Cool J Platinum Body Workout Book and The Secret. Through these two books I could not only work on my physique, but also get my mind right. My biggest setback in all my attempts to work out was my dedication and motivation to really do it!

I would go one week with eating healthy, then fall off the next week. I would go jogging in the park, then forget all about it. I would try and do push ups and just wasn't in shape to continue. For the past 2 years, this is what I did. I just gave up. I ended up gaining 15 pounds and a gut to match, LOL! One time one of my friends said, "Shawn your gaining a little pudgy there, you always used to be skinny!" You don't know how much that hurt my feelings! I think one time we had a underwear party at my house, and I felt so self-conscious about the photos afterwards, I didn't even want to show anyone, I just really let go.  What really bothered me was when I would dance, I didn't have the full energy like I used to.

When I was younger I could eat ANYTHING, and I mean ANYTHING and never gain any weight. Until I got older, and the metabolism started slowing down, it really took me down with it. So what was really the last straw? I had to be when I went to BURGER KING, and I ate a Whopper, Large Fries, and a Strawberry Shake. When I tell you I had never been so sick in my life! Man! I vowed I would never go again... and decided to really ditch out the cash and sign up for the gym. But I wanted a work out partner! Fuzzy would exercise with me, but he didn't want to do it all the time. Omar didn't have any money to go to the gym, and everybody else didn't really show that much interest in doing it. So I said I would join the gym! So I was ready to do it, and then I got sick...

I think I had bronchitis. Fuzzy had it, and gave it to me, but I think I had the dormant version. It would only come out once in awhile, and it really started hurting me when I worked out. I was sooooo depressed! Part of this problem is what left me not to even continue "the vide{0} experience" I was depressed that I couldn't even stick to eating right or working out, and just was going through it, trust me! Yet The Secret says:

"Everything  that's coming into your life, you are attracting into your life.  And its  attracted  to you by virtue of the images you're holding  in your mind. It's all in your thinking."

It was then that I knew that I just had to envision the body I wanted and stay with it! I thought about it all the time. I collected photos of what I though my body would be. I bought a gym bag just for the heck of it. Started looking at workout shoes, and I clearly didn't start  doing anything! So this is my secret...

I 

have been 

going to the GYM 

for the past 3 Months! 

Nobody knew. None of my blogging family, None of my readers, None of my friends, Not even my best friend Omar, and I didn't even tell my boyfriend! NO ONE! LOL. Well... the only person that knew from the beginning, and that was my good friend from Canada. Why didn't I say anything? Well I didn't want to fail and prove people right, and I felt that deep down, everyone didn't think I took it seriously. So I felt like a Super Hero that had a secret identity. I would sneak after work three times a week. I started eating better and keeping up with it. After a couple of weeks, people started to notice, heck I started to notice! I lost all the weight I gained, and even lost a little bit more. My chest was becoming bigger and more defined, and my abs were finally coming in slowly. I never had biceps before, and now I have a couple of bulges showing! I gained a lot of endurance in running, and was feeling a lot better health wise. Feels weird to get emotional in the mirror while flexing, LOL.

I did it! I'm so happy for myself! I told mostly everybody like a week ago what I have been sneaking around doing, but everyone has been pretty supportive of me. Me, X and Twin even went to the gym early saturday morning before heading to Fire Island Black Out to get just a little bit tighter! I said I was going to take photos at the beach, but I was so busy walking around, getting attention, guys flirting with me, that I totally forgot. It was a very different feeling, but I enjoyed it, very innocent.

So that is my secret guys! I still feel like I have a long way to go, but if I can maintain where I am now, I am more then happy with myself! While I love attention and compliments, the best gift is that I FINALLLLYYYYYY dedicated myself to doing something I always wanted to do!

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