Sunday, August 31, 2008

im so not me...

So Im on my way to the beach for the last days of summer. Im blogging from my phone, so will not make this long. Just felt since the trip was going to long I might as well blog, u know! So ride with me, LOL!

We are on our way to the nude beach. Again, lol. I know, I know its starting to feel like my trademark, but I think this time Im not going to do it. Weird right? I feel like Im more confident to do it body wise, but just don't. Fuzz used to be my inspiration for doing it, he won't be by my side this time. I don't know, if I get drunk enough, maybe, LOL.

Speaking of Fuzz, he is going to be there. He has been planning this trip on his own for a couple of weeks now. At first I wasn't going to go because he was there, but I can't keep hiding, and deprieving myself of fun because he will be there. We don't talk much. I had a sore throat the other day, and he sent me a message hoping I felt better. Wonder how he found out? Had to be one of our friends, lol. Its weird. I want to talk to him, but I think I will just get angry all over again and throw a boot at him, so I don't. It is so weird how thin the line of love/hate is.

Im so not myself these past couple of weeks. I used to be all about love, relationships, and living a wonderful life with ur soul mate, and now I think the whole thing is bullshit! Now Im not saying Im "bitter" because the last thing I want to do is be that. I know love is out there. I am just not feeling "love' right now, at all! I can't believe Im actually "Damaged" like Danity Kane says. Only thing is, I need to a first kit handy for not and not from someone else!

I have been such a "slut puppy" to. I don't know why, I just am. Don't mind being one to, LOL. I have been a lot of fun to! Ok sometimes I feel guilty, but then again I don't. Im so not myself right now, and don't care. The guys have been coming out of the woodwork, and just been a big huge flirt! If ONLY I could tell ya the stories! I won't. At least not now. I don't know if Fuzz still reads my blog, but should I even care?

I have been really happy my friends have been there... which really helped me a lot. I would be an emotional wreck if it wasn't for them. I think I have started becoming moody. I will go from happy, to sad, to angry as hell, to just not feeling anything. This is so not me, but Im dealing. I think I need to write this blog post to get some of this out, it gets hard holding all this in.

Im mostly concerned with with my anger. I never been an angry person, and I don't know how to express it correctly. I try to rationize it but I don't want to, I just feel like breaking a dish! I feel like Im going to be like Jill Scott in that Tyler Perry Movie, or Angela Bassett in Waiting to Exhale! I try to use the gym to let it out, but it takes to much control, I need to lose control! Wow I sound like the Dark Phoneix! LOL

I pray a lot. Keep asking GOD to walk in front of me. So anything that I am about to encounter God can bless it or push it away. This comes to play in my other parts in my life, like my job, my money, and where I want to go creative wise. I pray for strength. I pray not to feel empty. I just pray that I don't really throw a boot at somebody, LOL!

We are almost there, and I have to pee so badly! Omar Twin is so not going to pull over. Its like 85 degrees, so it should be a good day! My Omar is knocked out sleep. We listening to some reggae music, Twin is getting it in! LOL. We have some other friends following us, and meeting us there. I wonder if I will meet a guy I can flirt with. LOL. Flirting is fun to say the least. I know I can't get people all caught up in me. I know it can happen, im a lovable guy! So have to keep people at arms length.

Ok I already feel better reading this, this is so not me, but Im ok with it.


Soldier said...

hey there babe... i guess im not the only who aint at the beach so i have time to comment here lol

Im still LMAO at that persistent desire of yours to throw boots... maybe we could use that inspiration for something artistic... ya know... like a photoshoot.

I just have one piece of advice for u : LET IT OUT.

Cry / scream / drink / dance / laugh / play / jump / crawl... do whatever u want, but LET IT ALL OUT !

and when u get rid of everything that u could possibly let go of, sit down and meditate on what's left inside cause that leftover is the core of whatever feelings u were having.

Just wanted to tell u AGAIN that i love u and meeting u is one of the best things that happened to me in 07/08 . I'm here to support u and be around when u need me, u know the number(s) so dont hesistate to call !!


thegayte-keeper said...


Darius T. Williams said...

Ahhh- this is sooo hard for me to read this. I hope it all gets better in time!

Dapper D said...

I am soooo proud of you for being ShawnQT today. I must say that we had a great time at the beach. I love you very much man. Keep up the laughter.

Getting back on track is Dapper!!!

KennonP said...

He reads it... and you know he does.

Jay said...

Boys suck!

Promiscuous X said...

Leave it to Jay to be the bitter one lol.

Shawn - Yes you have been very moody lately and ummmm its kewl. I'll take it for now but if you come at me sideways one more time. Ima beat yo ass dammnit lol.

I bet it did feel good to get this off your chest.

SLUT PUPPY -----hmmmmm no comment.....SMILE ;-)

I luv all the many sides of Shawnqt...i betta get a video today too. I didnt buy this dam sidekick for nothing


Q said...

Yes, go nude...and I need pics to be posted

Barney said...

You gotta ride the emotional train ride.. if you didnt, you wouldnt be human...

just ride it out.. accept it..
be who you are.. no need to explain.
From the looks of this blog.. you have friends who love & care about you, and accept you for who you are!

Soldier is right, LET IT OUT!
Boot throwing does sometimes feel better.. better yet.. go bowling! Heavy balls, pins at the end, picture whomever your ticked off at..

Ok.. yeah.. wow..Ive sure commented alot..

Jersey Brotha said...

I second Jay's comment lol.

Well Shawn, it had to come out eventually (in whatever form necessary). But just like the Ledisi song says,
Life can bring us through many changes, it's alright/Just don't give up, know that it's gonna be alright

Remember that! Much love to u!