Friday, June 15, 2007

f*ck fathers



It is kinda taken me a lot to write this post, but I have been holding this in for a really long time. Now, I am not one to be an angry or bitter person, so I try hard to put on this "act" to one, stay strong, an two, not let anyone see my weakness. Hate is such a strong word, but I HATE MY FATHER!

My father and mother where high school sweethearts, and were planning on getting married. He was in the army and stationed in North Carolina so seeing her was very diffcult, yet he planned to come see her Thanksgiving. My mother was very excited to see him, especially since she was carrying me at the time.

Thanksgiving comes, and he's a NO SHOW.
But, he promised that he would be there on Christmas. She was sad, but agreed.

Christmas comes, and he finally makes it.
The two discuss getting married, and my father says he can't.
Why she ask?
"Because I am already Married."

Already Married? Since when?
He says since Thanksgiving!

Yes bloggers, my two-timing father ditched my mother and married another woman. Another woman who was having his baby. I am only a few months older then my half sister. My Father would have two other children who's chances he "fucked up." What a waste of semen!



So here I am as kid always wondering, who my father is. My mother gave me chances to see him, but I didn't know how to interact with him. I remember one time staying the night with him in the attic of my grandmother's house, and I got up because I wanted a drink of water. I go to his room, and he is fucking the shit out of this woman. The smell of it all still sticks to my brain, and I hated it. It was just too much to see at a young age, and I didn't know how to take that. I just went back to bed. Everytime I visit my "father's side" of the family, I would avoid trying to see him, leaving it to "hi" and "bye." He never tried to make any other advances to try and be my Dad, I guess we both didn't know how.

I didn't care I didn't have a father, because I loved my mother! As long as I had her, everything was great. I remember one time I asked him for a black color tv with a remote control. He said he would get it for me. Month after month I asked him and still no tv. I never asked for one thing from him in my life, but this! And he NEVER got it for me, always giving me empty promises. That was the day I said, fuck my father! As I got older, and got to know my other Sister and Brother, I saw the hurt he has done to them. The stories, the crying... it hurt me so bad. NOT ONLY WAS HE NOT IN MY LIFE, BUT HE FUCKED UP THE LIVES HE WAS IN! I guess I should be lucky. FUCK FATHERS.



FUCK MY SISTER'S FATHER FOR LEAVING MY MOTHER, ME, AND MY SISTER BECAUSE HE COULDN'T BE A REAL MAN AND DEAL WITH MY SISTER'S MEDICAL CONDITION! FUCK MY MOTHER'S HUSBAND FOR STEALING OVER 1,000 FROM ME FORCING ME TO MOVE OUT ON MY HOUSE! FUCK MY BIOLOGICAL FATHER FOR MAKING ME THINK I BECAME GAY BECAUSE HE WASN'T IN MY LIFE! I WOULD HAVE BEEN GAY EVEN IF YOU WAS THERE, AND YOU STILL WOULD HAVE HATED ME! SO GUESS WHAT, I HATE YOU FOR NOT BEING A REAL MAN! NOT BEING THERE FOR YOUR DAMN KIDS, YOUR WOMEN, AND NOT DOING SHIT WITH YOUR LIFE, ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU HAD MORE ARTISTIC TALENT THEN ME! YOU WAS SUPPOSE TO BETTER ME! YOU DIDN'T DO SHIT, SO GUESS WHAT...

FUCK YOU, AND FUCK EVERY OTHER FATHER THAT DON'T DO SHIT FOR THERE SONS!



Happy Father's Day.

14 comments:

A. Benjamin Irby said...

Dayum, that was heavy... but it did make me think tho... I grew up with my father and mother together. They'll be married 30 years this year. My father was there, even though at times I wish he weren't, he was far from perfect and we didn't get along most of my young life. We're okay now though. He's really trying hard to be close to me in my adult life but I keep pushing him away. He called me twice the other day and I have yet to call him back. After reading your post I feel as though I should call him back. He's not perfect and event hough we never talked about the past or really resolved it at least he's trying... right? Thank you for your post. Really man... thanks.

The Captain said...

I will say this, the break down of the family, especially the absence of the father opens the family to unknown attacks and problems society has yet to see. This is just one example. I truly understand where you are coming from on this Shawn, but the condition of your heart has to be dealt with concerning this.

Anonymous said...

wow,let that shit go...all black
males who happen to be in the life
have issues with daddies,mines is
dead...but I do know that he didnt
really like this lifestyle choice for me,anyways my relationship with
my eight uncles and aunts is strained,they sideeye me or whatever. But I do know this,before he passed ,I showed him who I was and did my thing
and do you know to this day,fools
will tell me he bragged about my
legal and illegal accomplishments.
Strange but true. manchild1

ponoono said...

you need to talk to people about this. a lot of people. you need to get it all out of you. it is poison.

Anonymous said...

Holding resentments is like drinking poison and expecting the other
person to die.

Anonymous said...

Peace Brother, i read your blog page once a week. I am always proud of how you express yourself. this post is heavy, but hell we all have shit we got to get over. and i am glad you are getting this one out of your spiritual life by speaking on it. In the black comunity we think not speaking on our pain is cool, its not. God bless your spirit. God bless your father. Keep on bringing us the truth shawn. eric

Anonymous said...

I use to hate my father once. I discovered that takes way too much energy.

I began to think why he was the way he was and discovered his father wasn't there for him that much either...

He made me suffer many times but after the realization that he wasn't like anything I wanted around me, and that his approval wasn't something that mattered to me at all, I shut that FUCKING door in his face.

Some people have fathers who love them and raised them right and thats their blessing...I didn't have one like that, and I'm glad he doesn't my peace of mind in his hands. Thats my blessing!

fuzzy said...

wow, just plain ol' wow! I know I have ill-feelings toward my pops but I dont hat ethe man! (just dont like him very much!) All who said you need to talk about are telling the truth. Let out. express it through words and literacy, verbally and aloud! Speak Shawn Speak Shawn!

C ain't Crazy he just Creative said...

i feel u on this but i don't.

i'm going through it with my dad. fist fights and whatnot. but like....that's still my daddy. i don't kno. thanks for the honesty.

Omar Ramon said...

I think just about everybody knows I ain't exactly in love with my pops. Sometimes he wasn't there...and when he was i wished he weren't. he has beat me senseless, fucked up my mind and emotions beyond belief over the years, lied to me countless times, even stolen from me in addition to being a terrible example for my brothers and sisters passing down the poison through the generations. But at this point, i can't even say I actively hate him. It takes so much energy and makes me feel so worn out and tired inside. You shawn, of all people in my life know about the value of energy. you may be polluting yours with this. Sometimes i would keep it in to avoid boring other people to tears with my angst but I used to speak on my father's role in my life's developements once i realized what type of effect it really had on me. it is very important to get that stuff out man.
There are some things that I learned about his life in later years that i understand now contributed to the person he is today. There is a cause behind everything. Maybe speaking to his family will get you a better understanding of this...a different perspective, y'know? I know it isn't the easiest thing in the world and I know it makes you uncomfortable because it's a reminder of what you've never been able to connect with before. you may even feel like there is no point now because you're grown and you've already made it this far without him or his side of the family.

But go back and read this post Shawn. Your still hurt somewhere in there. the father of your sister and your current father have added insult to injury and you have a bold stigma against fatherhood and fathers. Yes there are a lot of faults to be found in the fathers of today and past years. Almost everyone i know, gay straight male and female has a terrible or nonexistant relationship with their fathers.
Still it bothers me the way you seem to alienate yourself from the prospect of family in general. Maybe because I am so close with mine I can't imagine life without them despite their flaws and drama. I love you and want your heart and soul to be fully healed and whole. Yes, we, your friend, are a family but you still need that blood tie to be strong. There is probably a lot you could benifit from with a family connection. and your younger male cousins could greatly benefit from getting to know you and having you as an example. You are a great man, after all.

I'll be praying for you as always babyboy.

Marz said...

You do need to let it go, but it's harder than said. I went through a REAL dark period concerning my father, and decided I need to let it go. It became too much for me too continue to walk around and let it control me.

Even now, I feel like he does stuff just to get me to react. He told me recently that he's not going to take me off to college, and he'll just say goodbye earlier in the week and he refuses to take off for me. I wrote it out how I felt, and then just watched the backspace roll backwards.

He's who he is, and he's had an effect on me, but it's my choice how effective I let his effect be. Feel me?


-Marz

Trent Jackson said...

wow...thank you for sharing this.
I lost my father 19 years ago today (June 19th). I NEVER KNEW what it was like to have a father - and I always say to people, thats a void I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

The positive side of it in an ironic type of way is that you of your father and that he's whack - you still know him.

I remember my father and the last conversation I had with him...but I wish I would have known my dad even if he was a dead bead or an asshole.

heartbreaker said...

i remember u writing about your father before, but wow didn't know it was like that - my story is similar to yours so i feel u bruh, i started to write a post on father's day, too but i didn't wanna get upset lol cuz that wouldn't have been cute yo, i feel u tho...

Anonymous said...

Like everyone has stated, that was some real heavy stuff you put out there! I commend you on letting your feeling flow through your blogs.

This topic is something that hits home for me. Someone has already pointed out the state of fathers in the black community. Some even say to "JUST LET IT GO"! I hope no one takes this personal...but that's a bunch of bull shit! I agree that holding that resentment and anger is bad for the soul...but you just can't make a simple statement like that. It took years for that pain to build and it "may" take even longer to come to terms.

I didn't know my father for the first 20 years of my life. When I first met him and his family; i was already expected to be a failure. I asked my "sperm donor"; would it have been easier for him to walk out of my life if I wasn't the person "he thought" I was! He told me yeah.

During the last 10 years, we have not spoken for at least 6 of them. The problem was...I was the only one hurting (at least in my mind).

We're currently attempting to make things better, because I don't know him and he claims this is what he wants. The pain is still there, but I have to trust God to take it away.

I guess I wrote all this to say, don't just say get over it, because it's not that easy. I ask everyone to pray for this situation: free from the pain, resentment, etc (for those who pray) or to keep him in your thoughts!

This blog thing is very theraputic...can be addictive...LOL! Thanks for sharing.