here I am...

"As much as I'd love to join you on planet Earth right now
Know that I'm too hurt right now to be civilized." - Brandy

"One day I was praying to GOD, and received this vision of a place between heaven and earth. It is here that I could have a personal connection to GOD. I call it, "The God Realm."

As I sit here in this space,

I ask you, where is it that you go whenever your in distress?

was it all a dream?

For the first time in my life...

I had a drink.

And not just a drink, but three cups of juice and vodka. Yet everyone told me its four. For the most part I told everyone I was tipsy, but I knew I was drunk. Everything was so free, yet so heavy. I was laughing, and I couldn't stop. I tried to stand up and compose myself, but I didn't. There I was with all my friends in the hotel room, cranking dat superman, and the spiderman, as if I didn't have a care in the world. I knew that I was losing control, and I didn't care because at the moment there was no hurt, no pain.

As the room started spinning, Brandon threw me a pad and pen and I began to draw. The first thing I drew was a heart, then some stars, and with a whisk of the pen, I turned my design into exactly what I was feeling & seeing. Then I wrote, I love you, and looked at the dog chain of us on it.

Mine said Dream on it. His said Imagine.

Then I started to draw his face. His beautiful eyes, his cute nose, his sexy lips, and his broad face that was alway manly & defined, yet cute and innocent. As I started to draw his name next to it, I realized that I missed him. We went from a year and 8 months, to it being all gone in one day. From living at my house, and having his own room, to me kicking him out the house only leaving an empty desk. From play fighting and playing video games to me laying here drunk as hell.

I needed some water, before I threw up.

I got in the bed, and told Brandon I loved him, as I was telling everyone that night.
He said I love you to, and I was knocked out for the night.

all alone

At first I wasn't going to write anything here, but I did want to have something to remember this day, so I'll post this video that I did back in September, but never really released.




Sorry I don't have much else to say, I just can't believe my relationship is over...

{re}union: was thinking

As I was deleting people out of my friends list on myspace, I came across a couple of profiles from people I went to high school with. It has been so long since I have seen any of them. So I decided to search some more of my classmates online. I came across my ex girlfriend, who is now married to another guy she used to be in love with, and they now have kids and moving to Japan. Then I cam across someone else who is married with kids, and another one who is married with kids., and then.. well you get the picture. I started realizing... have I really taken advantage of everything my life had to offer? On top of that, my 10 year class reunion is next year! Should I go? Am I established enough? What if someone asks about my sexuality? All these thoughts started going through my head, and got me thinking...

I was looking at one of the picture frames I have in my living room which highlighted photos of me back in high school. So I decided to blog about the photos to process these past high school memories.

{re}union: i remember

I remember my first day, when I knew no one, and I was all alone. It was a new start... to shake off all the days I was teased and taunted from elementary school and be the man I wanted to be. No longer would I be the nerd I once was, and dare I say it... finally have a girlfriend. No longer would I make up girls in my head, I could have one for real. She would be light skin with long hair, because I mean, didn't everyone want the same thing? I would be able to play basketball with the guys and actually be really good. They would think I was cool, and we would go to the mall to pick up chicks. Trying to see who got the most. Yeah high school would be great, if I wasn't so alone.

I went to my first class. There she was... Ms. Brock. The most Afrocentric and dramatic teacher I have ever met! She was poised, intelligent, and smiled with a devilish grin. If you THOUGHT of coming to her class late, without your homework, or without a book... she had a nice speech for that azz! F didn't stand for Fun. I was on point with her. Who knew, and I model her teaching style with my own class.

I remember walking down those big/long hallways scared I wouldn't find my next class. Everyone was so much taller then me, how could I even see above everybody? As I moved from class to class, lunch time was coming. I dreaded going. How embarrassing to go to a new school and sit by yourself? I was never the social type. All I learned was to hide so nobody would bother me. That worked for me. I missed my old friends, and then I heard....

SHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWNNN!!!

Could it be? I could recognize that high pitched voice anywhere! It was my female CUZ from another Auntie! We met in 6th grade, and when I moved to another school, there she was, always there to help me off the ground whenever someone knocked me on the floor. And now, here she was again to rescue me in high school. As much as I wanted to be a man and get through this alone, it comforted me to have her by my side. She needed me, just as much as I needed her. As she dealt with family problems and and strict parents at home, being with me was her safe haven.

I remember at lunch we walked in with confidence. We were going to do this together again. I was the artist. She was the singer. We was the best of both worlds at Arts High. It was very much like FAME, just more ghetto. As we had lunch, we sat at her sister's table. She was a Junior. Man I was so happy! If everyone knew I was related to her, then I would most def get cool points. So, as always we introduced ourselves as cousins to everyone! Hopefully my "nerdism" wouldn't fuck this experience up as well.

I remember having hamburgers and vegetables that day. As I looked over and saw this COOL GUY. He was at a table with a whole bunch of guys just cracking jokes, beat boxing, and just had everyone laughing there azzes off. Now he was cool.

"Go talk them," My CUZ said. "I know you don't want to hang around us girls all the time."

As much as I did enjoy their company, I knew that I would have to hang out with other guys if I really wanted to be BoyzIIMen. I loved that group, they just came out to. There songs really stuck in me all through high school, but anyway...

Before I could get up enough guts to say something to them, the "COOL GUY" came up to me, and told me to come over.

"Is that your girl?"

As much as I wanted to say yes, I told him she was my cousin. It was still in good company. She was beautiful. Short Halle Berry Hair, greenish hazel eyes, petite, yet tall, and the perkiest boobs ever! She had a flat booty though, but hey, she did have some white in her.

"That's cool, yo come over to our table and chill with us."

Is this for real???? But I kept it cool. At the time I had on this fly azz sweater, and everyone at the table kept telling me how nice it was. I never had nice clothes before, but I demanded my mother to hook me up. I told them it cost 50 bucks.

yeah.

It was only 20.

But they didn't know, and they believed me. This is high school, you got to do what you got to do to fit in. But in the end, I remember that they really didn't like me because of my clothes, but because I was actually cool. It didn't matter that my cousin's sister was a Junior. It didn't matter I used to be a nerd in my old school. All that mattered was I had two friends...

My CUZ and COOL GUY...

and they was going through high school right along with me, and we were was the best of friends through all those years!