Thursday, March 19, 2009

my night in seclusion...

It has been a rough few days for me. It really felt like the world was coming down on me. Last night was my night of seclusion. Remarkable took a trip to see family, and I was home alone. I got off of work, only to fall directly to sleep. I didn't get much sleep the night before. Everybody wanted to go out to a bar, have a few drinks and dance. Everyone was having a great time, but me. 

I had too much to drink, words were exchanged between me and Remarkable, and all I know was that I ended up in the bathroom stall, falling asleep and waking up crying. We went outside to talk, and our differences were resolved, and mostly I sobered up. We went home and both of us were OK. We were OK.

Yet just because the relationship is OK, doesn't mean I was. If I was to prevent another mishap, I would have to get myself together. So I sat in my room, in my night of seclusion and just listened to my ipod.

Music can be very hypnotizing. It allows you to feel the words that the person is singing. I came across Beyonce's Flaws & All. The words ringed so loud to me that it rushed an extreme emotion that I never felt before. How could somebody love me with so many flaws? So many insecurities? Be so patient when I haven't resolved myself? 

You know what's beautiful to me? Is that he sees potential in all my flaws. He knows that I can do more, be more. To have somebody still show you love in your lowest point is empowering to me. Sometimes laying in the bed, as the tears roll down your face is empowering. I was letting it all go. I was allowing myself to be vulnerable when at times I always have to show strength.

I listened to so many songs last night... Imagine Me, Human, Fade Away, Escape, Peace of Mind, Amazing... and as the music played, I fell asleep, I woke up a little bit stronger then before. Even though my flaws aren't gone, I have a better outlook they will fade into the background... with love.


Joey Bahamas said...

You know Shawn...we all have our own flaws, none of us are perfect. You did the right thing by using ur alone time to work on you. Like I said in the post today, every empty space is an opportunity. This is your winter, you should be preparing for the spring...because it's coming...


RocaFella07 said...

Theres nothing like listening to music at the right time...Especially when its music that you can connect with.

I agree with Joey in the fact that we all have are own flaws, and we're all fucked up in our own way. The problem is that many of us dont come around to acknowledging, or working with, their flaws.

I hope you feel better.


Cocoa Rican said...

It's an amazing realization - to see someone love us in spite of ourselves. Don't take advantage or abuse that though. It's important to recognize that "Remarkable" has feelings and needs to feel you value him and his support of you.

kennyking78 said...

Life shapes us in the weirdest of ways.

Recognizing your flaws and doing something about them is an amazing thing. It is an even more amazing thing to have someone who sees those flaws as well and loves you in spite of.

You are out of whack right now Shawn, but you keep your head on straight. The path you are to take will reveal itself soon enough.

KB said...

i hate u for writing this entry man!! this was deep and so true. it's amazing to find someone who accepts the fails and see's us as we'll be in the future!

Ty said...

Yeah, I'm late on this one but can only ditto what has already been said. Constant self-evaluation is key. It is only when you are able to notice your "flaws" that you can begin to change them. I wish you guys the best.