Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Sunday, October 29, 2006


God communicates with everyone, question is will you listen... and if you don't hear GOD, maybe a game with Jigsaw will truly make you appreciate living... as you make a choice to survive.

This weekend I watched the above movies that had two totally different aspects of the human experience. One of inspiration, and one of suffering & torture. Yet both with the common goal. Appreciate Life.

Fuzzy, Omar, and Myself took a ride deep down into the depths of Jersey to watch a movie that was only showing in selected theatres in the United States.

Conversations with GOD is The true story of Neale Walsch who, at the lowest point in his life, asks God some very hard questions. The answers he gets from God/within himself become the foundation of an internationally acclaimed book series that has sold over 7 million copies and been translated into 34 languages. The film chronicles the dramatic journey of a down and out man who inadvertently becomes a spiritual messenger and best-selling author.

I have personally read all three of the books, and it has profoundly changed my life, as well as my view on GOD. It opened up my eyes to see GOD in a broader and more loving way, while still appreciating the religion I grew up in.

It felt really good to share it with Omar (who has also read the book) and Fuzzy (who is looking into reading it) because it has such a strong impact on my life. That night I had a dream about me helping out people who I considered my brother and sisters. Seems like when my mind is set on spiritual things, the messages from GOD come through a lot clearer.

Saturday morning, we watched Saw 1 & 2 since I haven't seen either. I was never really allowed to watch Horror Movies when I was younger, so a lot of the classics I missed out on. It is quite interesting watching these movies now as an adult. When I saw the first two movies, I was purely grossed out!

The Saw Series is about is a fictional villain called JigSaw. He is different from most fictional serial killers as he does not kill his victims directly, but instead relies on various lethal traps in which he places his victims.
Considering people undeserving and unappreciative of the life, He began his mission to make people appreciate their blessings and realize how precious life truly is. He plans meticulously for his "subjects", painstakingly creative devices to "test" them. For example, Paul, the man who had slashed his wrists was sentenced to crawl through a maze of razor wire. Most of the traps involve quick thinking, ethically difficult decisions and often self-mutilation.

Jigsaw believes that he has never killed anyone in his life and that the choices that his victims make are up to them. Here are some questions I thought about while watching this movie:

1. Who is really the villain in the movie? Most of the people Jigsaw chooses have did some kind of wrong doing in there lives. Sure, they are placed in punishment, but they are giving a choice to sacrfice for there salvation and survive if they have the will to live.

2. Can punishment really make someone change there lives?

3. What if GOD created a system much like Jigsaw's traps? I mean we have Hell right?

4. Which suffering is worse? The ability to live life with out meaning or purpose, or having someone twist your arms around in a matter of minutes?

Conversations with GOD was a good movie about redemption, will power, and the ability to take control of your life for GOD. The book is far more inspiring then the movie, so if anything I suggest reading the book. Then if you have the stomach for it, rent the Saw films, and really think about how your lliving your life. If GOD can't inspire you to do great things... think about being tortured by a crazed serial killer, then maybe you'll get the point!

lost friend 2

I remember the good times. Like when we went Chuck-E-Cheese, we were playing air hockey, then all of the sudden The Mouse himself jumped in and beat our behinds! I remember hanging out in the village, and him running down the street in his underwear! I remember going with him to hear him sing in the Gospel Choir, and crying just by songs he sang. I remember him beating me in every video game. I remember the notes we would pass in class, and the stories we used to write about each other. I remember us driving to the city and partying all night. I remember him dying my hair brown, and my mother getting angry! I remember just laughing and being silly for no reason.

When your angry, you vent. This is my space to say how I feel. To be honest. To let go, and write what is on my mind. Sometimes I forget this is a public area for everyone to see, and that it can effect others...

Last week I received a couple of messages from my "lost friend" stating how someone saw my blog, and told him that his photo and business was all over the internet. This lead to a couple of angry comments on the post, as well as few messages through myspace.

Nothing was resolved, besides both of us feeling hurt even more.

While I did not give out his name, I do want to apologize for putting his photo up, and it has now been taken down. But please note, most of my post was 80% remembering how great a person he is, as well as the history of our friendship... and 20% was me venting on a situation that happened recently. Many have asked me, "Did you go to him first about the problem?"

I could have. But I haven't talked to him in 3 months. He was the last at fault, so I felt he should have called me. Fuzzy even tried to contact him asking him to contact me, and lets just say that didn't go over to well. It was not my purpose to "internet bash" you. The comments of others have nothing to do with me. The point of this post is not to restate the situation again, but take responsibility for my faults.

* I have not been active in coming to see you in Philly. Even though I may not feel comfortable going up there, I should have showed more of an effort.

* If I have changed since I moved into my apartment, then that is natural. We are not the same people that we were in high school. We are grown men. We both should communicate with each other how we are feeling about such changes. I should have made quality time with you to discuss this.

* You have done a lot of wonderful things for me throughout the years, and I should have recognized that more.

I was pissed, and I vented. I don't apologize for that. In that last situation, you was wrong, and you have apologized for that. But I question myself, how many "sorrys" do I have to hear until it doesn't happen again?

I sit here listening to this song he used to always play, Deborah Cox's "Where do we go from Here." That song really evokes a lot of emotion in me. It saddens me for things that are comfortable to me are changing before my eyes, and I don't have any control over it.

So like a boomerang, I'll throw this out into the universe and see what this will bring back.

Friday, October 27, 2006

in the mix with trent

Check out my appearance on

Trent Jackson's "Friday Finale" 10/27

"Just catching up with a good friend,
a Shamless plug to my Blog,

and my Thoughts on New Jersey's Ruling on Gay Marriage"


Wednesday, October 25, 2006

masters of the universe

Anyone close to me knows that I am a HUGE Action-Figure Collector! Not only do I collect X-Men Figures, I also have an extensive Masters of the Universe Collection. It all started at the tender age of 7... I was, like many in the 80's, big on cartoons by He-Man, Thundercats, Transformers, etc. Mainly He-man because of the action figures.

It was so cool. Every time He-Man said, "By the power of Grayskull, I HAVE THE POWER!" I would get so excited! I would take my toys and play along while the show was on. I would have Skeletor try and take over Castle Grayskull, as He-Man would ride into action with Battle Cat, it was as if Eternia was my way of escaping reality. I had so many figures... until my Grandmother threw them away.

I was so heart broken. It was as if my own little world was taken away from me, and I couldn't get it back. I vowed, as a young kid, that when I got the money, I would buy them back and keep them for myself! So 20 odd years later, I have my Universe back... with a little update.

In 2001, He-Man came back with a new cartoon, and new action-figures, which were far better then the ones previously made.

I actually got to have my "New" He-Man signed by the designers "The Four Horsemen" at Toys R Us Times Square. I actually got to meet Mario Lopez (Slater from Saved By The Bell) as well, he's a huge He-Man Fan! Even though the new cartoon didn't last long, I still got to get some of my favorite characters: Ram Man, Buzz Off, Evil Lyn, Stinkor, Man-E-Faces, and Beast Man! I even have a She-Ra figure, which I never had because it was considered a "girl toy."

So yeah... I'm happy now! I have over 40 figures to the collection! My Castle Grayskull talks now. It allows He-man to enter when you rub his foot on the doorstep, and locks the door and crackles thunder when Skeletor trys to come in. It's so much fun! I don't really play with them now, they pretty much just showcased around my computer room, but Omar picks them up and plays with them from time to time.

What are some of your memories
with He-man & the Masters of the Universe?

Sunday, October 22, 2006


While heading out to the Derrick L. Briggs Book Club with Fuzzy, Omar, & J, it amazed me how my life has turned out to be. It gives me great joy to be around black gay men who are invested in uplifting there lives, and dismissing the stereotypes that we either put on ourselves, or that have been thirsted upon us.

After the event, we stayed awhile to partake in conversation with others, with laughs, deep conversation, and pure enjoyment with others. We then headed off to see Jared, a great friend of mine to discuss a project we are working on. Once we left there, we headed to a party called UPGRADE, which is hosted by two people I admire, Nathan & Ray. I enjoyed the performance, the crowd, and the music. It was great having my boyfriend & friends by my side the whole time.

The Beyonce song, turned into the new level of Homosexual interactions, indeed was the word of the night, as I really did feel like my life was being UPGRADED.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006


I don't know if he will read it, but we will see.

Last Sunday, I was watching this documentary on Public Access (As you get older, these shows become more interesting, so don't sleep!) The show is called: THE QUESTION OF GOD. It compares the views of GOD from Sigmund Freud & C.S. Lewis, and how both of them came to terms in either believing or not believing there is a GOD. There is also a panelist of religious and scientific minds also joining in the discussion on there personal experiences towards GOD. It is an amazing show that really makes you think, and see other peoples point of view. You can check out the website below:


Sunday, October 15, 2006

lost friend

Why is it the closest people to you hurt you the most? He was my best friend. We grew up together. We shared so many experiences together, even my first time together... yet 10 years later, he no longer speak to one another.

Are friendship has always been based on just having fun with one another. It was always cool to be in his company and I would knew everything would be ok, because it was just me and him having fun! I met him in High school my sophomore year. He was the new kid who transferred and for some reason became the most popular guy at my school! I was in science class with him. I always wanted to get to know him, but was to shy to approach him. Towards the end of the year he started dating my cousin who also went to the same school. I think he was using me to get to her, but never the less, our friendship after that became tight.

A little to tight.

I never questioned my sexuality until he started feeling on me that one night in my bed! was 16, and curious... and as we experienced one another together, I asked him: Why did you do that? He replied, "Because your my best friend"

And so we continued, both of us living a double life. I had a girlfriend, and he was still dating my cousin. Cheating never really occurred to me. I just know that I felt true intimacy with him, yet felt like I was living an acceptable life with her. The guilt got to me, and I ended up telling my girlfriend. She was actually ok with it, the only thing is, she told my cousin, which of course got back to him!

Let's just say he stopped speaking to me.

I missed his friendship and the intimacy we shared, and we did end up becoming friends again at the beginning of my junior year. We became even tighter! I was really close with his family, and asked his mother to be my "God Mommy", since I never had one. So that made him, my god brother. I guess I became family. All I ever wanted was just to be close to him, important to him, since it seemed like being his "boyfriend" was never an option with us being so inexperienced with our sexuality. We wouldn't even know how to be in a relationship.

I think at one point, the emotional rollercoaster was too much for me. I wanted to be closer, and he was pushing me away. My feelings for him grew deeper into love with him, while he still saw me as his lil brother. I was feeling like he brought me out the closet, only to leave me to figure this out all on my own. My heart was at a vunerable state. I started feeling like being intimate with him was not helping...

So I pulled back, which was hard because while I had other interactions with other boys, he was the only one that felt, right.

We was suppose to go to the same college together, and he ended up moving to Philly to be with a man. Him leaving always confused me. Why did he just up and go and leave his family and friends behind? At times I would visit him, and our friendship always over ruled... we was having fun! I would always convince him to come back, but he never would take me seriously. He would come up to Jersey and we would go out and find guys at the clubs. We would go to gay pride and wear matching outfits. It was great being around him. While our attraction for each other sexual was dwindled, he truly became like a brother to me.

Until recently.

He would call me and tell me he's coming up to chill with me and my friends. Cool! Yet he would either come hours late, or not come at all. Then when I would call him, he wouldn't answer the phone. Then call me a week later as if nothing ever happened. This happened, hmmm, let's count... at least 5 to 10 times over the past couple of years. And every time he would apologize, and I would forgive him, and then he would do it all over again!

The last time I saw him was at my birthday party. It is the last great memory I have of being with him. Now all I have is resentment and anger towards him... I feel like I don't want to be his friend anymore. But how can I let go ten years of great memories with him? He's been acting like such an asshole lately, and it bothers me that my own best friend would treat me like shit over and over again.

If you don't want to chill with me, or be cool with me, fine, let me know, but don't call me and tell me you want to hang out with me, and then NOT SHOW UP! All the rest of my friends love him to, I mean he's a great guy to hang out with, but hate that he has been treating me this way.

I don't know what to do. I don't even know if he is going to be reading this. All I know is that I'm pissed I lost my friend.

Saturday, October 14, 2006

my own people left me to die

my own people left me to die
but why?

I was there
sitting in the back of the bus

I was there
when they didn't allow me to vote

I was there
as they beat me because of my skin

Look, there I am
standing right next to you
as I pump my fist in the air

Look, there I am
sitting right next to you
on these college steps

Look, there I am
walking with you
holding my protest sign with you

yet, you left me to die
because to you, I'm not human in your eyes
you now have your rights
yet I am denied mine

because I'm black
and gay

and as these people continue to bash me
and you just stand there
with all your blackness

leaving your own brother to die

In Memory of Michael Sandy

Sunday, October 08, 2006

another song

what should I create?

Yesterday I decided to buy some paint supplies to start working on my personal creative project. I don't know what made me just get them yesterday, but here they are...

I'm going to start off small, and do something simple just to get back in the hang of things. I haven't painted in at least 3 or 4 years. So what do I paint? I want to stay with the theme of "Dreams" Once I come up with the concept I go into my creative process:

1) I listen to music.
I listen to Beyonce because of the passion she brings to a song. I love her lyrics, they paint a picture. I listen to Kanye for how he creates concepts and how he delivers them with a social message. I listen to Bjork because she takes me to an abstract place. In my mind, I think that creating art is like creating a song... or an album. I think the same way when writing a poem.

2) I look for artistic/design work.
I flip through a couple of design books for ideas on colors, excution, & interesting shapes that work with my concept. I also look at people's fashion. There is some amazing design in clothes that I love to put in my creative projects. I flip through comic books to look at bodies, different perpectives of landscape, and how they can create moments in one shot. I even look at artwork from the past.

3) Think again. Flush out the concept.
I usually do this by writing down words and creating sketches on what "creative moment" I want to create. I think about if it makes sense to me, and will it makes sense to others. Do I want it to be subtle, subdued in mystery, or easily understood? How will it look on the wall, or with other work? Does it represent who I am and my style? Do I want to go into strong detail, or keep it minimal?

Once I go through all that, I get to work! Now what should I create now?

// ShawnQt //

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

call on me

I was sitting at work, trying to get this project done before my boss came back to the office. I forgot to put my phone on vibrate, and my cellphone starts to ring. I look at the caller id, and the name GOD comes up. I stop to look at it, and pause. I ask myself, "Is this really GOD?" The words G-O-D continues to flash as my beyonce/dejavu ringtone plays on.

Is this my calling? Do I answer?


A couple of weeks ago I was fascinated by how a couple of friends of mine can do so many amazing things for other people. Everyone is so talented! I wanted to do something big. I know that my blog has had some kind of impact on a couple of people's lives, but I still want to do more. Mostly this blog is for me. I want to create a vehicle where I can help others. Throughout my life I have always felt like the "underdog." I got tired of being a nerd, so I became more popular. I got tired of just drawing, so I became an artist. I got tired following other people's rules, so I created a leadership of my own. Yet at ever step I became higher, there was someone still more popular then me, more talented then me, more motivated then me. I think most people can relate to me on this struggle.


So, like Beyonce says, I need an UPGRADE. A good friend of mine was talking to me about this new venture he wanted to do. Of course I'm always down to helping my friends out. Once we continued talking about it, I thought that if I played a more upfront and instrumental role, then this could be my "calling." Not only could I be creative, write, I could also have a voice and help people and help uplift the black gay community. This project has potential to he HUGE!


The words G-O-D continues to flash as my beyonce/dejavu ringtone plays on.
Is this my calling?

I answered the phone.

// ShawnQt //